My Dad is nearly 89 years old and is battling dementia. In many ways he talks and acts like a little boy again. He asks the same questions over and over and I find it hard not to become impatient.
Last night I took Dad & Mom to a dinner at Hesston. Hesston is about 50 miles from home and the way seemed very long to Dad. He kept asking where we were going. The road we wanted to take was closed so we had to make a detour. "Are we still going to Hesston," Dad asked, "we are going the wrong direction." I assured him this road would get us there, although I wasn't sure myself where we were at. And it did! We arrived somewhat later than planned but still in time to enjoy a delicious meal. Throughout the meal Dad kept saying, "Don't forget we came with you. Don't forget to take us home." I tried to reassure him that I would not forget.
It was dark as we started on the homeward journey. "Do you know the way home?" Dad asked. "Yes, I do," I replied with confidence, for I felt more sure of the way home than of the way going. "Do you know on which road to turn? Do you know where our driveway is?" he continued questioning. I assured him that I did. And so he settled back to enjoy the ride. But not for long! Once again I heard his voice pipe up from the back seat, "We are a long way from home, do you know the way home? Do you know which is our road?" "Yes, I know and I will take you there," I assured him again. "I'm sure glad you're driving and I'm not, because I have no idea where we are at," was his honest reply. And once again he settled back into his seat.
But the way seemed long and the night was dark and it was hard to feel at rest. Once again he peered into the darkness and saw no familiar landmarks. "Do you know the way home? Are we almost there?" I heard once again. "Yes!" I replied, a trifle less patiently. "Why don't you take a little nap?" I continued. "It will make the way seem shorter." This idea seemed to fly over his head as he continued to peer into the darkness for some clue as to where we were. The questions continued coming and I was relieved to at last pull into the driveway and announce triumphantly, "We're home!" "Yes, now I know where I'm at!" was his glad reply.
I had to think how much I'm like that with God. The way seems long and dark and even though I know God is at the wheel and he knows the way home, I begin to doubt and start to question, "Do you know the way home?" And I cry, "I can't see! I don't know where I'm at! Are you SURE this is the right road??!!" And God so tenderly replies, "Yes, I know the way and I will take you there. Just rest and enjoy the ride. I can see even when you can't." And so I settle back in my seat, but then...I start peering out the window and it looks so dark and nothing looks familiar and I start to fear and cry out, "Where am I? Is this the right road? Aren't we almost there?"
And I wonder...does God ever feel like I do with Dad? Like telling him to quit asking questions and just trust me, I know what I'm doing? I don't know... All I know is how patient and tender and loving He is with me and I'm SO GLAD he knows the way home!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
What Does Love Look Like?
I was on my way home after a lovely walk in the park with my sister. Suddenly I remembered that I needed to stop for milk. It was nearly dark as I pulled in the driveway and drove up to the milkhouse. As I jumped out of the car I heard someone calling to me.
The family of 8 was out on the lawn enjoying a bedtime snack. They invited me to join them for peach smoothies and popcorn. Although I wasn't very hungry, I couldn't resist the chance for some good food and fellowship. "Dad" went to make some more smoothies, as I settled myself on an overturned 5-gallon bucket. I reached for a handful of popcorn. Yum...
There was a lovely breeze blowing and the stars were shining as I listened to the chatter of little voices around me. The dog came and sniffed at my feet. It was soon determined that another bowl of popcorn would be in order. Off "Dad" went again, with Frank, his faithful follower, in tow. When they returned the popcorn was soon devoured and then it was off to bed for the little ones.
What peace and quiet...but it was not to be for long. A few minutes later Candy yelled out the back door, "Frank and Ellen are fighting!" And this was the story she told: Frank, in all innocence, wanted to kiss Ellen goodnight and Ellen (for whatever reason) did not want him to! Frank, on the other hand, insisted that he had to kiss her! Hence the fight!
"Mom" and I chuckled as "Dad" hurried off to help make peace.
Later I thought, how often do I resist when someone is trying to show me love? Do I know love when I see it? Am I so stuck on my own ideas of what love looks like that I miss the real thing that is right before my eyes?
Sometimes letting ourselves be loved is harder than loving. I challenge you this week to let the people around love you in whatever way they want.
The family of 8 was out on the lawn enjoying a bedtime snack. They invited me to join them for peach smoothies and popcorn. Although I wasn't very hungry, I couldn't resist the chance for some good food and fellowship. "Dad" went to make some more smoothies, as I settled myself on an overturned 5-gallon bucket. I reached for a handful of popcorn. Yum...
There was a lovely breeze blowing and the stars were shining as I listened to the chatter of little voices around me. The dog came and sniffed at my feet. It was soon determined that another bowl of popcorn would be in order. Off "Dad" went again, with Frank, his faithful follower, in tow. When they returned the popcorn was soon devoured and then it was off to bed for the little ones.
What peace and quiet...but it was not to be for long. A few minutes later Candy yelled out the back door, "Frank and Ellen are fighting!" And this was the story she told: Frank, in all innocence, wanted to kiss Ellen goodnight and Ellen (for whatever reason) did not want him to! Frank, on the other hand, insisted that he had to kiss her! Hence the fight!
"Mom" and I chuckled as "Dad" hurried off to help make peace.
Later I thought, how often do I resist when someone is trying to show me love? Do I know love when I see it? Am I so stuck on my own ideas of what love looks like that I miss the real thing that is right before my eyes?
Sometimes letting ourselves be loved is harder than loving. I challenge you this week to let the people around love you in whatever way they want.
Monday, May 24, 2010
A Night in the Hospital
At 10:00 I was ready to go to bed. The visitors had all left for the day, Mom and Ann had gone home to their own beds and I had tried to explain to Dad why he had to stay at the hospital. "But you'll take me home, won't you?" he pleaded. "When you're ready to go," I replied, "but for tonight I'll stay here with you."
The nurse came and helped settle him in his bed, I set up my cot, turned off the lights and shut the door. At last I can rest my weary head, I thought, as I climbed into bed.
It was not to be. I had hardly shut my eyes when a nurse came in to do whatever it is they do at all hours of the night. When they left they didn't shut the door. The light shining in made it hard to sleep but I didn't know whether or not they wanted the door open to keep an eye on Dad.
It was not a good plan. At 1:00 a.m. I awoke with a start to find Dad climbing out of bed. He wanted to go see why that light was on. He was trying to tear out all the crazy tubes that he thought he didn't need. My persuasive powers didn't seem to be working so at last I called the nurse. She told him in no uncertain terms that he had to go back to bed. When she left I made sure the door was shut.
At 3:20 I was awakened again, this time to hear the nurse exclaiming and to see Dad standing beside the bed. Somehow he had torn out the IV, taken off the heart monitor, removed the leg thingies that were supposed to help with blood circulation, and more than that disposed of the alarm that would alert the nurse of his movements. Blood was dripping everywhere and he was confused. When the nurse asked where he was going, his reply was, "I don't know." Even with a crew of 3 nurses it took some time for them to get him cleaned up, reinsert the tubes and get him back to bed.
At 6:30 there was a knock on the door and a cheery "Good Morning!" I wanted to burrow under the covers and tell them to go away and leave me alone and ask them HOW a person is supposed to get ANY sleep in this place! This one was doing an EKG and then another came and took his vitals and they wanted to bring him breakfast (which he wasn't interested in, in the least!). At that point I decided it was hopeless to think I'd get any more sleep so I rolled out of bed, combed my hair, smoothed out my wrinkled clothes and prayed for strength to face another day.
Why, you say? Why would you do it? Because of love.
The nurse came and helped settle him in his bed, I set up my cot, turned off the lights and shut the door. At last I can rest my weary head, I thought, as I climbed into bed.
It was not to be. I had hardly shut my eyes when a nurse came in to do whatever it is they do at all hours of the night. When they left they didn't shut the door. The light shining in made it hard to sleep but I didn't know whether or not they wanted the door open to keep an eye on Dad.
It was not a good plan. At 1:00 a.m. I awoke with a start to find Dad climbing out of bed. He wanted to go see why that light was on. He was trying to tear out all the crazy tubes that he thought he didn't need. My persuasive powers didn't seem to be working so at last I called the nurse. She told him in no uncertain terms that he had to go back to bed. When she left I made sure the door was shut.
At 3:20 I was awakened again, this time to hear the nurse exclaiming and to see Dad standing beside the bed. Somehow he had torn out the IV, taken off the heart monitor, removed the leg thingies that were supposed to help with blood circulation, and more than that disposed of the alarm that would alert the nurse of his movements. Blood was dripping everywhere and he was confused. When the nurse asked where he was going, his reply was, "I don't know." Even with a crew of 3 nurses it took some time for them to get him cleaned up, reinsert the tubes and get him back to bed.
At 6:30 there was a knock on the door and a cheery "Good Morning!" I wanted to burrow under the covers and tell them to go away and leave me alone and ask them HOW a person is supposed to get ANY sleep in this place! This one was doing an EKG and then another came and took his vitals and they wanted to bring him breakfast (which he wasn't interested in, in the least!). At that point I decided it was hopeless to think I'd get any more sleep so I rolled out of bed, combed my hair, smoothed out my wrinkled clothes and prayed for strength to face another day.
Why, you say? Why would you do it? Because of love.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Mountains
My theme verse for this year says, "I will go before you and will level the mountains..."
So I've been praying God would do that, all the while having my own ideas of what the "mountains" are... and always they were something "out there".
This week I began to realize the "mountains" He's working on are the ones inside of me. The doubt, fear and unbelief that loom up as huge "mountains". But they're going...and I'm GLAD! I'm learning to trust, even when I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
He who promised is faithful, so faithful!
So I've been praying God would do that, all the while having my own ideas of what the "mountains" are... and always they were something "out there".
This week I began to realize the "mountains" He's working on are the ones inside of me. The doubt, fear and unbelief that loom up as huge "mountains". But they're going...and I'm GLAD! I'm learning to trust, even when I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
He who promised is faithful, so faithful!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Nothing Wrong...
They say...no news is good news.
I have no real excuses...I'm not on vacation, my computer still works, I haven't tried sticking my finger in the mower and my dog didn't die...
And yet...there have been no posts... OH! It just hit me - I turned 40! Could that have something to do with it?? The brain doesn't function as well, we get confused, the memory goes (along with the hair), we feel tired (exhausted, really) before the day is half over, we make MOUNTAINS out of mole hills, people get mad...it makes us sad, we wonder why people get married younger all the time (why I remember when he was born!), we enjoy salads, but then...eat chocolate to even things out, we worry...about the future...AND it even hinders our sleeping...
No there is NOTHING wrong with me - NOTHING AT ALL! I just turned 40 but that's nothing that time won't cure.
I have no real excuses...I'm not on vacation, my computer still works, I haven't tried sticking my finger in the mower and my dog didn't die...
And yet...there have been no posts... OH! It just hit me - I turned 40! Could that have something to do with it?? The brain doesn't function as well, we get confused, the memory goes (along with the hair), we feel tired (exhausted, really) before the day is half over, we make MOUNTAINS out of mole hills, people get mad...it makes us sad, we wonder why people get married younger all the time (why I remember when he was born!), we enjoy salads, but then...eat chocolate to even things out, we worry...about the future...AND it even hinders our sleeping...
No there is NOTHING wrong with me - NOTHING AT ALL! I just turned 40 but that's nothing that time won't cure.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I Stand Amazed
"And being fully persuaded that, what He had promised, he was able also to perform."
- Romans 4:20,21
Sometimes my faith is weak. Life hits me and I'm left reeling and asking the hard questions and wondering if God is real or if He even cares. Is He personally interested in me? Does He speak to me and if so, how can I know it's Him?
Although I know in my head that He loves me, it takes something to get it to my heart. Things happen I don't understand and I cry out again, "Where are you, God? Do you REALLY care??"
This morning I asked God to show me some tangible proof of His love for me - something I would KNOW was Him.
I went to church not feeling very loved and not really being "into" Valentine's Day for, of course, love is the focus. But, I thought, maybe God would use someone there to show me His love. It was a good service and there were lots of things said about love but nothing outstanding to me. After the service the pastor and his wife passed out candy and told us it was to remind us of God's love for us. That was great, but still it didn't feel like God's sign just to me.
After lunch with my sister I headed home and as I neared my place I noticed the flag was up on my mailbox. I thought that was kind of strange and decided to stop and look inside. AND THERE IT WAS! My special love-gift from God! I couldn't believe it! There was no card or note so it must have been an angel straight from heaven! (Wish I could've gotten a glimpse of him!)
Now, in case you're wondering WHAT He sent me - that's the best part!:) I opened a cute little box filled with heart-shaped Reese's(my very favorite kind of chocolate!) and pink balloons. Besides that there was a book titled "His Princess - Love letters from your King"! All I could do was weep! If that isn't love, then I don't know what is!
He is my God and what He has promised He will do! Thank you, Jesus!!
- Romans 4:20,21
Sometimes my faith is weak. Life hits me and I'm left reeling and asking the hard questions and wondering if God is real or if He even cares. Is He personally interested in me? Does He speak to me and if so, how can I know it's Him?
Although I know in my head that He loves me, it takes something to get it to my heart. Things happen I don't understand and I cry out again, "Where are you, God? Do you REALLY care??"
This morning I asked God to show me some tangible proof of His love for me - something I would KNOW was Him.
I went to church not feeling very loved and not really being "into" Valentine's Day for, of course, love is the focus. But, I thought, maybe God would use someone there to show me His love. It was a good service and there were lots of things said about love but nothing outstanding to me. After the service the pastor and his wife passed out candy and told us it was to remind us of God's love for us. That was great, but still it didn't feel like God's sign just to me.
After lunch with my sister I headed home and as I neared my place I noticed the flag was up on my mailbox. I thought that was kind of strange and decided to stop and look inside. AND THERE IT WAS! My special love-gift from God! I couldn't believe it! There was no card or note so it must have been an angel straight from heaven! (Wish I could've gotten a glimpse of him!)
Now, in case you're wondering WHAT He sent me - that's the best part!:) I opened a cute little box filled with heart-shaped Reese's(my very favorite kind of chocolate!) and pink balloons. Besides that there was a book titled "His Princess - Love letters from your King"! All I could do was weep! If that isn't love, then I don't know what is!
He is my God and what He has promised He will do! Thank you, Jesus!!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Why Do You Say?
"Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increased the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:27-31 NIV
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Fears
God recognizes my fears and insecurities.
Have you read the story of Gideon defeating the Midianites in Judges 7? It's an awesome story! After God had whittled his army down to 300 men, this is what he says, "If you are afraid to attack, do down to the camp...and listen to what they are saying." (vs.10) Who wouldn't have been afraid??
When Gideon went down to the enemy camp he heard a man telling his dream and the conclusion the enemies came to was this: "God has given the Midianites and the whole camp into his(Gideon's) hands." (vs.14) Wow!
I love how God listens to my heart. He doesn't just give me some big job to do and say, "Now you're on your own, big girl, go out and fight." He knows my fears and takes me straight into them to show me I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR! And all along he is right there with me to help me face the fears. He is preparing me for the battle.
Fears...they crop up on every side. They show up in unexpected places. They raise their ugly heads again just when I think I have them all conquered. They keep me from freedom, from true joy, but most of all from loving as I long to do - from my heart. Seeing people as Jesus does, through eyes of compassion, down to their very hearts.
Fears may come and fears may go but knowing Jesus is WITH ME in the fear makes all the difference in the world!
Have you read the story of Gideon defeating the Midianites in Judges 7? It's an awesome story! After God had whittled his army down to 300 men, this is what he says, "If you are afraid to attack, do down to the camp...and listen to what they are saying." (vs.10) Who wouldn't have been afraid??
When Gideon went down to the enemy camp he heard a man telling his dream and the conclusion the enemies came to was this: "God has given the Midianites and the whole camp into his(Gideon's) hands." (vs.14) Wow!
I love how God listens to my heart. He doesn't just give me some big job to do and say, "Now you're on your own, big girl, go out and fight." He knows my fears and takes me straight into them to show me I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR! And all along he is right there with me to help me face the fears. He is preparing me for the battle.
Fears...they crop up on every side. They show up in unexpected places. They raise their ugly heads again just when I think I have them all conquered. They keep me from freedom, from true joy, but most of all from loving as I long to do - from my heart. Seeing people as Jesus does, through eyes of compassion, down to their very hearts.
Fears may come and fears may go but knowing Jesus is WITH ME in the fear makes all the difference in the world!
Friday, January 8, 2010
I Will Go Before You...
This is officially my first post of the new year! I have safely passed the 40 mark and am well on my way to becoming an old (or at least middle-aged) woman!
Last year I decided to choose a theme verse for the year. I often repeated it when I needed a bit of encouragement and felt like there was no "goodness" left in this life. This was my verse: "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Ps. 27:13
I can't even begin to tell you all the goodness I saw in the last year, but reading through my earlier posts was a good reminder.
Towards the end of last year I thought it would be nice to have a theme verse for 2010, as well. I started asking God for a verse. Nothing came to mind immediately and I thought, If nothing comes up, I'll just keep the same one for it would be well worth keeping! However, a couple days later God gave me these verses: Isaiah 45:2-3 "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
I can't wait to see how God is going to do this for me! What a great and awesome God I serve and he is fighting my battles for me!
Last year I decided to choose a theme verse for the year. I often repeated it when I needed a bit of encouragement and felt like there was no "goodness" left in this life. This was my verse: "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Ps. 27:13
I can't even begin to tell you all the goodness I saw in the last year, but reading through my earlier posts was a good reminder.
Towards the end of last year I thought it would be nice to have a theme verse for 2010, as well. I started asking God for a verse. Nothing came to mind immediately and I thought, If nothing comes up, I'll just keep the same one for it would be well worth keeping! However, a couple days later God gave me these verses: Isaiah 45:2-3 "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
I can't wait to see how God is going to do this for me! What a great and awesome God I serve and he is fighting my battles for me!
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