The Voice

"I don't like you. I really don't like you. I don't like how you look. I don't like how you act. I don't like what you wear. I don't like your hair. I don't like what you eat. I don't like who you are," said The Voice. The little girl sat in the corner, sobbing, covering her ears with her hands to shut out The Voice. But it didn't help. She sobbed all the louder, the weeping turning to uncontrollable, gut-wrenching wailing! 

"Why? Why don't you like me?" she asked. "You are always trying to get attention, think you are better than others, putting other people down, being nosy, asking questions and doing silly things," said The Voice. "You shirk your responsibility, you don't volunteer enough and you like to play and have fun instead of praying and reading your Bible," continued The Voice. The sobbing only got louder. Is this true? Whose voice is it? thought Little Girl.

After a time, all grew quiet, and she dared to lift her head. In the distance she saw a soft, white figure gliding towards her. There was a smile on her face and she came and sat down beside Little Girl and drew her into her lap. Little Girl felt a peace and warmth and comfort flow through her. And love, wrapping around. And then she heard The Voice, but this time it was soft and gentle and kind. "I love you Baby Girl. I'm so proud of you! You are doing such a good job! Anyone would be proud to have you for a friend! You are trustworthy, kind, welcoming, refreshing, peaceful & inspiring. You know what love is and you go after it with all your heart. I see your desires and they are good!"

"All I wanted," sobbed Little Girl, "was to be loved. That's all I ever wanted."

"I'm sooo sorry," said The Voice, "I'm so sorry I didn't know how to love you, but I'm learning now."

Little Girl jumped up and gave The Voice a big, bear hug! She smiled to herself and thought, That Voice was mine all along. How different it feels when The Voice is gentle and kind instead of harsh and critical. I'm so glad we're friends at last!

Trustworthy

I recently did an exercise I found on the "Triggered and True" website by Laura Duncan. It is called "How I am Seen." They give you a list of 30 positive, descriptive words that you send to 10 people. You ask each person to pick one word that best describes you and why they think so. I was unprepared for the response. 

For starters, my words for myself have often been less than positive. I can be my own worst critic. This exercise really shed some light for me. 

I was overwhelmed as I read the words that people gave me. The tears kept falling as I felt the Father bring healing to the hurt and broken places in my heart. 

There was one word that kept coming up again and again. Five times, in fact! Out of 30 words to choose from and 12 people (I know, I know - I couldn't stop with 10!), how could 5 of them pick the same word??! Trustworthy! And the one word I would not have chosen for myself. You see, there were things in my past that made me feel less than trustworthy and the kind and loving Father knew that. As I sat with Him I felt Him saying, "But that's your past, Pauline, not your present. That has been forgiven and you need to move on. It's what you do with your mistakes that makes the difference. You have proven yourself and I trust you completely." 

I'm finding that trust starts first with me. I have to trust myself, before I can even trust God, and definitely others. But God is trustworthy, it's part of His character, and I am made in His image, so I am, too. 

Don't let your past mistakes define you, but live in the confidence of who God created you to be!

Still learning,

Pauline

Amazed by Him!

Everyone has their own journey and it is unique to them. In trying to understand/process my own story, I have come to the realization that every part of my journey has been significant to get me to the place where I am now. There may have been things that felt "bad", choices I made that weren't ideal, people that hurt me or I hurt them, but God has a way of using those things, too.

Last night I went to a community event at Stutzman's Greenhouse called "Evening Aglow", where they have music and lights, hundreds of poinsettias, cider and chocolate. I browsed through the gift shop and drooled over the snowmen, becoming increasingly convinced that I needed to add to my collection. Later I met up with friends and we wandered around some more. 

At these events I am always on the lookout for a chance to see people I may not run into otherwise. I was not disappointed. While wandering around, I noticed a lady that I thought looked familiar, and looking more intently, was quite convinced so. She would've passed me by, but I timidly reached out and touched her arm. At first glance, she was puzzled, but when I said my name, a glad light sprang into her eyes and she hugged me furiously. It was a coworker from 30+ years ago at Helmuth Bakery! (As Pat said, "You were just a young kid!") It was so fun to chat and before we parted ways she gave me another hug!

This, of course, got me thinking about those days. That was my first job and my first time away from home (many hundreds of miles from home!). I was young, trying to figure out life, often felt alone and not sure where I belonged. I never realized till today how Pat was somewhat of a "mother-figure" to me in that season. Even when I was unaware, God had people to help me through difficult times. 

Take heart my friends! You are not forgotten. You are not alone. You are loved and seen and known by the most gracious and kind Father who is constantly looking out for your good!

"No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment..." Isaiah 54:17a

Kind

 I recently heard a new song that Cory Asbury sings called "Kind"

                       Kind

Sometimes marriages don't work, and sometimes babies die
Sometimes rehab turns to relapse and you're left just askin' why
And for all the prayers I've prayed, I still wonder if He's real
And if He is, how is He choosin' who He does and doesn't heal?

I've tried to run from Jesus, I've started holy wars
I've tried the patient waitin' and the kickin' down the doors
I've cursed His name in anger with my fist raised to the sky
And in return, all He's ever been is kind

And I've burned my fair share of bridges
I learned to tuck my tail and run
Watch the wreckage in the rear view
From all the crooked things I've done
And I know that He forgives me
But it's hard to forgive myself
I can't help but think that amazing grace is for everybody else

I've tried to run from Jesus, I've started holy wars
I've tried the patient waitin' and the kickin' down the doors
I've cursed His name in anger with my fist raised to the sky
And in return, all He's ever been is kind
All He's ever been is kind

And I know I wasn't there
But when I look up at the cross
I see the darkest day in history
I guess that's what kindness cost

I've tried to run from Jesus, I've started holy wars
I've tried the patient waitin' and the kickin' down the doors
He knows I don't deserve it
But He's never changed His mind
All He's ever been is kind
All He's ever been is kind

****************************************

Recently I was with a group where we were sitting with Jesus and asking him questions about obedience, surrender and faith. These words don't necessarily give me warm, fuzzy feelings, but I was surprised at what I heard Him saying. Your obedience to me is beautiful. Your faith is like a mountain, unmovable. Surrender to my love. He was absolutely so kind and encouraging! 

Often I don't ask Jesus questions cause I'm afraid of what He'll tell me - that I'm not doing a very good job, I need to do more or that He is displeased with me. I think if we really knew how pleased He is with us, it would make a world of difference in how we act. 

I would challenge you, that if the voices you're hearing aren't kind, they are not Jesus.

"For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved." John 3:17

As the song says, "All He's ever been is kind."

May you know and experience His kindness today in real and tangible ways!

Make Room

There is a song that has been on repeat for me for the last several months. It is called "Make Room". You can listen to it here. I have been intentionally leaning in to hear what He is saying, especially in situations that feel hard and I don't understand. Right now there seem to be a lot of those. 

Sometimes it can feel like I'm in the same place for a very long time. This isn't necessarily bad. If you look at the story of the Israelites you will see that their journey through the wilderness wasn't on a certain time schedule. They didn't walk 20 miles every day, for example. It says in Numbers 9:23 "At the command of the Lord they camped, and at the command of the Lord they set out." It was about listening to what God was saying, not the amount of ground covered. Just because I haven't progressed to a certain point doesn't mean that there aren't important things taking place in my heart, and these may be the very things that will prepare me for the "promised land". 

This morning I felt like there was so much "stuff" I wanted to talk to God about that REALLY NEEDED ANSWERS! You know, that desperate kind of feeling. But I sensed that He just wanted to sit with me. And I needed that. To know that I'm valued, wanted, worth His time, that He is with me and I'm enjoyed and delighted in. And then, after awhile, He looked at me with eyes of love and started talking in His kind, gentle way. These are some of the things He said (now He was the one asking questions!), "Pauline, do you just want answers to your questions so you can get on with life and don't need me? Do you enjoy our relationship?" And then he said, "Just because something is delayed doesn't mean that it's not important, it might be because of its importance that it is delayed." (Isn't it amazing how He knows what we are thinking?!)

Delays are hard. They can make me angry and bitter and less than happy. But even in that I want to make room for what He is doing. I might only get a glimpse now but someday it may make more sense. And even if I never understand, I still know that He is ALWAYS working for my good and the work He started He will bring to completion. 

Make room for Him today...

A New Perspective - What If?

As many of you know, I am not a pet lover. I prefer them at a distance and definitely not in the house, if they are of the shedding variety. However, when I was young, I saw many cats and dogs come and go on the farm. I admit I did my share of cuddling the cats and talking to the dogs and even sneaking them into the house when Mom had her back turned. 

More recently, I realized I actually have a fear of dogs. A few closeups with less than kindly beasts left me trembling and thinking all dogs are to be feared. So for the most part, I avoid them. 

Some time back I started getting milk from a different farm than before. The first time I drove up, two large dogs came running up to my car door. There was this sinking feeling and a pit in my stomach. What am I going to do??! I summoned up my courage and opened the door, trying to ignore these huge beasts as I hurried inside. They didn't do a thing except look at me, but still... 

Every time I went to get milk after that, I would desperately hope the dogs wouldn't hear me and stay away, which usually didn't happen. Then there were several times I went when the dogs didn't make an appearance. I began to miss them and wished they would show up again. This week they did!

As I drove in the lane I wasn't thinking of dogs at all and didn't notice any. However, when I opened my car door there they stood grinning broadly!:) I smiled back, patted their heads and cooed over them. I felt welcomed and comforted. They were just nice and friendly and I wondered why I had been scared.  

It's got me thinking...I guess I shouldn't put all dogs in one box for, if I do, I may miss out on something good. Is it the same way with people? Because of being hurt and misunderstood it can make me feel afraid and I go into hiding, not realizing all the goodness God has in friends and relationships.

What if I would see dogs as friends, not enemies? What if I would see people as friends, not enemies?

What if???

 

I Know

 

I Know 

by Big Daddy Weave

You don't answer all my questions

But you hear me when I speak,

You don't keep my heart from breakin'

But when it does You weep with me.

You're so close that I can feel You

When I've lost the words to pray,

And though my eyes have never seen You

I've seen enough to say.

I know that You are good

I know that You are kind,

I know that You are so much more

Than what I leave behind. 

I know that I am loved

I know that I am safe,

'Cause even in the fire to live is Christ, to die is gain,

I know that You are good. 

(You can listen to the rest of the song here )

**************************

This last week was incredibly intense, stressful and hard and yet so much beauty, healing and freedom! This song became more real to me, in many ways, then ever before. 

One of the things I'm learning is to trust my heart. To know my identity and to live out of that. 

Here is a quote from "The Voice of the Heart" by Chip Dodd: "By facing that we are emotional and spiritual creatures created to live fully in relationship with ourselves, others, and God, we also face that our greatest joy is in being who God created us to be. Through the breaking of the walls around your heart, which is painful, you find the gift of fulfillment."

*************************

Here is a taste of some of the beauty this week. I was invited to a tea party and a dear friend fixed this hat  for me, to match my dress.

May you find beauty, even in the hard, this week and KNOW that God is good!

A Love Story

We all have a story and everyone's story is important. I've been asking God how he wants to use my story and what parts of it would encourage others in their journey. Writing is a small way of doing that, so here goes...

I felt like I was losing perspective the last 2 days when I came down with a bad cold. In chatting with my sister I realized there are a lot of good things that have been happening.

Here are some of the ways I've seen God's love the last while:

- A friend bringing me chicken noodle soup and herbal tea when I was sick

- A hug

- Being seen and valued at work

- Confirmation from others that I'm hearing from God

- Encouragement that I speak life to others

- A new chiropractor that made me feel seen and heard

- A comforting dream that brought reassurance

It's a love story, the best story ever written, and I'm glad God uses people to show me his love. I'm realizing my judgments of God and people have kept me from receiving so much, but letting go is so freeing and brings the things I've thought would never be mine. Let love lead the way, it's there waiting for you, too!

P.S. And if you have an extra hug along the way, I'm all in.:) Hugs are my love language!

They That Wait

Please....not that 4-letter word again!! WAIT.

Why does waiting seem so hard? 

We all have things we're waiting for. It may be a new house, a new car, a new job or a pet. Rain, after a long drought. Morning, after a long sleepless night. An answer to prayer for healing, or marriage, or restoration of relationships.

Have you ever said you're tired of waiting? I have, more times than I can count. No wonder I'm tired!

There has been this strong theme the last week about the power of words and I've been reflecting a lot on the things I've been saying over myself. Some things definitely need to change.

This verse came to mind: "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isa. 40:31 Hmmm... this sounds a lot different than what I've been saying. So speaking God's truth over me might look like this: "In the waiting I am gaining strength. I am moving forward with confidence."

Waiting doesn't have to be a "bad" thing. There is much to learn as I lean in to hear the Father's heartbeat and we talk about the plans for my future. I used to wish God would tell me what to do so I could just do it, but I've come to realize that's not how he operates. He wants me to be actively involved in those "future" plans. He wants to fulfill the desires of my heart, but too often I've been afraid to even talk to him about them.

I sit up straighter with a grin on my face as I lean into the wind...wait...I see the Father smiling and cheering me on and I know everything's gonna be just fine.