I Knew It, I Knew It, I Knew It...

...but I blew it, I blew it, I blew it!

I got mad. Again.

I thought no one cared. It doesn't matter to them how I feel. Can't they see I'm barely hanging on by a thread? Fighting to simply survive? "Life isn't fair!" I loudly complained. After shouting, crying and stomping around for awhile I finally stopped to catch my breath. And the Father said to me, "Why are you fighting so hard to survive when you have ME for your Father?" I was taken aback and thought, Yes, why indeed??!!

Suddenly, the fear, anger, anxiety, worry and stress melted away and, as I let go, I felt a great relief because I knew, He's got it!

As I looked over at my dresser I saw this:

Often I feel like the small, little, insignificant bear but He is standing tall and straight behind me saying, "Always Loved, Never Forgotten!"

Belonging

As I was driving home, lights piercing the darkness, I cried out to God, "I just want to belong!"

Later, as I was getting ready for bed, I was reading through the Psalms. I was struck by these verses:

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca (weeping), they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools."

So I am a pilgrim. I am on a journey, which means I'm not meant to stay in one place for very long. What if its not so much about finding a place to belong, so I can settle down and be comfortable?

And I wondered how the Valley of (weeping) could be made into a place of springs? My NIV text note said: The joyful expectations of the pilgrims transform the difficult ways into places of refreshment.

So it's about who I know and that He is a good Father. It even says about Jesus that he endured the cross for the joy that was set before Him. Even in the "weeping". Even in the feeling of "not belonging", What it really boils down to is knowing I belong to Him and living out of that. And I remembered Him saying to me that very morning, "You are mine!"

Peace

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I realized recently that I have been living in anxiety, worry and fear. I worry about what to wear. I worry about when to eat, how much to eat and what kinds of things to eat. I worry about my health. I worry about what flowers to plant and whether my mowing will get done this summer. God gave me a good full-time job but then I worry about not having enough energy to work a 45-hour week. I worry about being single and having no one to take care of me, but, on the other hand, I worry about getting married and not having what it takes to care for my family. And if things are looking good today, I worry about what might happen tomorrow. The list could go on...and on...

I try very hard to figure things out. I try to plan ahead so nothing takes me by surprise.

God has been showing me that He wants me to live in peace. Because I know Him, I can rest, even when I don't understand, even when nothing makes sense.

During the night this reference came to my mind: Deuteronomy 20:1. In the morning I looked it up and this is what it says:

"When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them. because the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you."

There may be lots of things the enemy is throwing at me that look huge and overwhelming but God is with me. He's got this!!

So today...I will walk in peace. As you know Him may you also walk in that peace.

He Brings the Dead to Life

I wasn't dead but I WAS very sick for 3 days. Let me tell you, it was no fun! The 3 days were the flat-in-bed-kind-of-sick, but it actually took much longer than that to fully recover. Just getting back to eating, is an ordeal in itself. I was glad when my appetite returned. This really wasn't what I had in mind when I wrote that title...

Recently I was reading the story of Joseph. Although a very familiar story, that I have read many times, I was so engrossed I could hardly stop. The part that really stood out to me this time was the last part of Genesis 45. Jacob's sons had been to Egypt to buy food for the second time. After thoroughly testing them Joseph finally made himself known. Then they returned to their father and said to him, "Joseph is still alive! In fact, he is ruler of all Egypt."

Jacob did not believe them. Is it any wonder? For many, many years he thought Joseph was dead!

As I stepped into that story, I could feel the overwhelming joy that Jacob had when he realized it was true. His son, Joseph, was still alive! And he went back with his sons to Egypt. Genesis 46:29b "...As soon as Joseph appeared before him, he threw his arms around his father and wept for a long time."

I asked God what he wanted to show me in this story and He said, "What you think is dead, I will bring back to life."

What are the "dead" things in you that He wants to bring back to life?

Self-Sufficient Wonder-Woman

It took me by surprise last week when one of the men at work rebuked me for trying to be a self-sufficient wonder-woman! He went on to say that it's okay to try and figure some things out on my own but neither does he mind me asking for help.

It can seem like there is a fine line between asking for help and figuring it out on my own, but it feels comforting to know that there are people out there who are glad to help me when I need it.

My life has often felt lacking in "good" men. Recently God showed me that He has placed men in my life to help me. They are strategically placed for specific needs I have in this time and place in my journey. As I began to thank Him for these men, I began to actually see them.

So, thank you to the men (past, present and future) who have contributed to my life. May you be blessed as you bless others!

P.S. I'll let you in on a little secret: I may appear as a self-sufficient wonder-woman, but really I'm not. I truly want others to be an active part of my life.

So I Wait

There was a sense of excitement and anticipation in the air. The speaker tried 3 times to get started. Others were so excited about what God was doing they couldn't keep still. Pictures of angels circled the room. They were seen in the sky this last Sunday and here was living proof!

I, too, feel that sense of excitement and anticipation about the new year! GOD is moving in mighty ways. His hand is not shortened that He cannot save. His heart is for His people.

Here are some of the things He has been telling me:

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned." Isaiah 9:2

CONFIDENCE! I can step out in confidence because I know who He is and who I am.

This was one of Dad's favorite verses:

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I saw this picture the other day of soaring like an eagle, running and not getting weary, walking and not fainting. God said to me, "That is you."

And then He whispered, "The best is yet to come."

So I wait... I wait with open hands and open heart...to receive the good gifts the Father wants to give me this year.

And They Danced

Tonight I went to visit my Mom. I took along a white, pink-edged rose. For the woman who gave me life, 46 years ago! She doesn't remember. It makes me sad.

I took along my baby books and showed her the picture of her holding me as a newborn. She was smiling with delight. Oh yes! Now she remembered! We looked at my tiny footprints, stamped in ink. So small.Other pictures of my earliest years brought smiles and laughter. Me copying my "big" brother, Tim. Sitting on my big sister's lap. Tim giving me a ride in the wagon. Me looking at a book. Me with my arm around the dog, whispering in his ear. (I know, I know that one would be hard for some of you to believe!:)) Me standing on a stool drying dishes.

And Ann told my favorite story. Ann (5) and Tim (1 1/2) stayed at Grandma Schrag's house while Mom went to the hospital. When they got the news that a baby sister was born they danced around the dining room with joy!

It makes me feel loved. Wanted.

And my dear sister still makes me feel loved and wanted.

This morning I awoke at 7:28 and switched on my light. Almost immediately I heard singing outside my bedroom window. "Happy Birthday to you...!" I peeked through the blinds and there was Ann with a few other friends. The poor dears were shivering in the cold and begged to come inside. They then proceeded to tell me they were taking me to IHOP for breakfast! What fun! Others joined us there. What a delightful time, complete with a free hot fudge sundae! (Not every day I get to eat ice cream for breakfast!)

Then Ann and I were off to shop. Clothes shopping. Oh dear, this could be a very long day. I found some I wanted and some I did not. But what fun to spend the day with my sis. The "Cool Beans" plan didn't turn out so "cool" as they were closed so we had to go for plan B. We found another little sandwich shop and had delicious chicken salad sandwiches. We talked...of things that you don't have time for in the busyness of life.

When I got home I looked over my birthday cards and sweet little gifts. Two more cards came in the mail. My sister from Ontario called. My brother from Ontario called. An uncle from Oregon called. My mom gave me a gorgeous yellow rose.

But still, His love overshadows them all, for it is through people that His love is made known. And I can see the angels in heaven dancing over me, just as they did the day I was born.