Fearless

I wanted something brilliant or amazing or outstanding to write on my blog on the last day of the year, but I felt small, unnoticed and unimportant. What could I say that hasn't already been said a thousand times before?

The sun was sinking in the west as I was heading home from work. Songs were playing on the radio. Songs like these: "He Knows My Name" and "Call It Grace". Phrases were jumping out at me...It's the light that pierces through you to the darkest hidden place, It knows your deepest secrets but it never looks away... It's nothing less than scandalous, this love that took our place...

And I was reminded again that it's not about me, it's about Him. Without His love I would be nothing. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more. There is nothing I can do that would make Him love me less. It's not even about trying to love others or myself, but it's letting Him love me.

I've been reflecting on the past year...the glad things,the bad things,the sad things. He was there. Through it all. His LOVE overshadowed every part of my life. How do I know? He talks to me, telling me things He knows I need to know (they wouldn't make sense to anyone else!). He calls me by name. He shows me my own heart, which I don't even understand. He calls me to life. He speaks peace. 

As I look at the next year this is my theme song:

Fearless by Mia Fields

May you fearlessly follow Him this year, as well!

Snowy Day/Many Plans

This morning I awoke to an icy, snow-covered world. A bitter wind was howling but inside it was cozy and warm. I was glad I had decided the night before to have a sleep-over at Mom's. At 8:30 I peeked into Mom's room to see if she was awake. I tiptoed over to the bed, gentle shook her and kissed her on the cheek. Not every morning I get to wake Mom!

A short time later Ann, Mom and I sat down to breakfast. Poached eggs, toast, grapefruit and cereal. Slightly different than my usual cold bowl of cereal, eaten in solitude in my still-warm bed.

It didn't feel like Sunday. Mom's church was cancelled and Ann decided to stay home with her. My church, on the other hand, cancelled 1st service but we still had 2 others, which made me very happy. I love going to church!

When I arrived there was only a handful of cars. I thought, This is going to be small. I crawled out of my car, braving the cold wind and icy walks. Upon entering the church the atmosphere was warm and friendly, feeling much like family. When I entered the sanctuary it was nearly empty. The usher asked me where I'd like to sit. One couple was already seated and he jokingly said that since that side looked full maybe I should sit on the other. In spite of the lack on our part, the worship team was there in full force. I knew it was going to be good! I was pretty sure I wouldn't be sorry I came.

An hour later I left with a full heart and tears on my face. God was there, no matter the people. (And when I turned around after church I was surprised to see it was very nearly full! Some had come as far away as Kingman and Buhler!)

                              *************************************************

And now I am switching gears...

Sometimes my life feels pretty ordinary. It doesn't feel like much "exciting" is happening. My job is hum-drum. I wonder if I'm even important.

God uses the simple things in our life to train us for the extra-ordinary. Did you know that whatever you are doing right now is training for the purpose God has for you? Ask him. He might answer. It might scare you. But... He never puts us in a battle He hasn't equipped us to win.

God has one purpose but many plans. There are many ways he uses to get us to that purpose. It may depend on your attitude. Oh, if that's how you think, then we'll go this way... But in it all He is preparing us to be the best one suited for that position.

Don't despair. Don't give up. He loves you much more than you know!!

There Is No Lack

All through the night I kept hearing this verse over and over again:

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want (not lack any good thing)." 

Psalms 23:1

Especially the last phrase stood out to me: NOT LACK ANY GOOD THING!

And then I saw the number 3468. I immediately realized that 68 is double of 34. I asked God what 34 means. He directed me to Psalms 34. (That has been one of my favorites ever since Dad passed away. It was the one that Mom was reading to him when God called him Home. It was the Psalm that was preached at the funeral service.) I opened my Bible and eagerly began to read. Suddenly I was struck with verse 9 and 10:

"Fear the Lord you his saints, for those who fear Him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing."

Wow! There it was again! I wondered, to myself, just what God was trying to show me. No lack can mean many different things. It may be concerning money, health, relationships or work. As I continued asking I spent some time praising and worshiping Him and declaring no lack in my life. I wanted one more song before I had to get ready to leave. He gave me "King of Love" by I Am They. That whole song is about Psalm 23. The phrase that stood out to me was: 

I nothing lack if I am His, and He is mine forever...

I felt such an overwhelming sense of His presence and love that all I could do was sit there and cry. 

That night I went to a Christmas party with some single friends. Instead of exchanging gifts, we had decided to pool our money and send it to some people in need. I felt God telling me to give a certain amount (significantly more than I usually do). And so I did. 

When I arrived home I stopped at the mailbox to get my mail. There was a Christmas card from a friend and when I opened it up, out fell a check. A few minutes later my sister called. She said that she had received Christmas money in the mail and part of it was to be divided with me. I was blown away! In one night I had received 3x the amount I had given away!

So what if my rent goes up $100/month. He's already got it covered! But even that is another story for another day. 

In God's Kingdom...THERE IS NO LACK!

Control

We all want it...

There are two sides to control and neither one is right. Sometimes we try to control others. Sometimes we let them control us.

This has been a huge issue in my own life. I'm only now realizing HOW big!

I could never stand to have people upset at me. I thought they didn't like me and I felt rejected. I went to great lengths to keep that from happening, even to the point of doing things I knew were wrong. I didn't realize who I was in Christ and that I have a voice.

I am no longer living out of fear. I can have boldness and confidence because of who God says I am! He always calls out the goodness in me. As my eyes are turned back to Him I see how his heart yearns after me.

God is NOT controlling. He gives me freedom of choice. I can choose Him or otherwise. BUT it doesn't matter what MY choice is, His is always to love me.

It isn't so much what you did, as why you did it. When you understand that, you can be healed and it will never happen again!

My Story

As I listened to a friend tell me her story, my heart was stirred. She said that the way we share Jesus is by sharing our story. THAT is what touches hearts.  THAT is the way we connect with people.

Am I willing to share my story? Am I willing to let Him use it to touch lives? Even the ugly parts that I wish had never happened? How can I wish for things to be different when He so clearly used it to teach me love, His unending forgiveness, the depths of His heart for me, His ability to redeem. That nothing is wasted! How He keeps pursuing me even when I run the other way. That He desperately longs after my heart!

After all, it's not MY story, it's HIS! And He is good at writing stories! He likes surprise endings.

I wonder, if my story was in the Bible, how would it read? How would yours?

It doesn't matter what your story is: God wants to use it. And He will. If you let Him.

Today...

...is Thanksgiving. So much I have to be thankful for and, yet, this year there is a hint of sadness. It is the first Thanksgiving without my Dad. I miss him. I wish he was here. Our family seemed so small - Ann, Mom and I. We had lots of food - turkey, mashed potatoes and the whole bit. It was delicious but we will have leftovers for days to come. Not all bad!

I have found that you don't have to have a big crowd to have fun. A thankful heart goes a long ways. I am so glad for my sister. She has helped and encouraged me through many a hard time. She has a generous heart and likes to share from her garden. She likes her chickens and cats and one day dreams of having a dog. She takes good care of Mom, who is heading towards 88. One day last week found her with Mom in the ER at an unearthly morning hour. It was discovered the cause of excruciating back pain to be a broken rib. How and when and where is a mystery yet unsolved.

And Mom, my dear little Mommy! Such a brave soul! She has lost much this past year and yet she continues on. I love her and I am glad for every day that she is still with us.

I am glad I live so close to Mom and Ann. I can drive from my house to theirs and never get out in the cold and rain. It was lovely to spend the day with them and lovely to come home to my own little house tonight, safe and warm from the rain/ice/cold outside.

And then there was the fly:

And to that fly
That fly said I
Prepare to die
Fly, oh, fly!

(Sorry for that side note, but a fly in November really is TOO MUCH!)

Oh, yes! Here is a picture of some of the fun we had today!

God is good! I just can't quit without bragging on Him a bit! When I think of this last year... all I can say is, "Wow! Wow! Wow! He is amazing! The better I know Him, the more I love Him. And the better I know Him the more I realize that He really is for ME! He never forces His love on me. He never asks for my love but it is His delight when I turn to Him.

He has turned my darkness into light. He is the joy of my life. He has come to set the captives free. I've experienced it for myself and had the incredible privilege of seeing Him do it for others. Some of the best times in my life have been when the enemy is exposed and God wins! YES!!!

Socks

I have long loved the stories about "Winnie-the-Pooh". The favorite character for me has been Eeyore, the old grey donkey. I guess there were lots of ways in which I could identify with him. He was always gloomy and sad, expected the worst, thought he didn't have any friends and other such "cheerfulness." I know it sounds strange to like something/one like that but, the fact is, misery likes company. Feeling bad, in a sense, made me feel good.

The other night I had a dream. In the dream I was wearing "Eeyore" socks. I took them off when I was inside but thought I needed to put them on again when I went out. Eeyore, as I already explained, means doom, gloom and sadness. Socks have to do with your walk. God so patiently showed me what I was "walking" in. I said to myself, This is not what I want! I determined right there to quit agreeing with the "Eeyore" spirit.

I asked God what socks He wants to give me. He said pink and yellow. Pink stands for child-likeness (trust) and love. Yellow stands for hope. Wow! What a difference!

So don't be surprised if you see me walking around with pink and yellow socks! It's a reminder of the lesson God taught me one night not long ago.

Change (or not!)

The last 6 months have been a season of change. I used to hate change and strongly resist it. It didn't really matter what it was, I just didn't want to change. It sounded uncomfortable and scary.

But God's been showing me that change is an important part of life. Sometimes in order to keep growing a change is necessary. The changes He asks of me are always for the good. Often it has to do with ways of relating or attitudes of the heart.

Sometimes there might be outward changes like a new job, church, location or relationship. These can be pretty scary because the question I often ask is: "What will others think?" (I'm not saying that is a good question. I'm just saying that is where my mind often goes.)

As I have opened my heart to change, it has been exciting to see God at work, making me more like Him. He is for me and not against me! He wants my life to prosper in every way.

So, after all this talk of change...I was surprised today when God clearly showed me, through scripture and a dream, something I don't need to change. I didn't really want to but thought I'd probably have to. What an incredible relief!

God is full of surprises! Don't put him in a box. Listen closely to what He is saying to YOU for this particular time and place and season in your life.

He loves you much more than you know...

Saturdays

I like Saturdays. Typically they are a day to sleep in, kick back, relax a bit from the fast-paced week. A day to catch up with odds and ends at home, sometimes washing up a week's worth of dishes while jamming out on Pandora.

This was not a typical Saturday. Let me tell you what I did:

(To start with I'm not even at home but staying with Mom while my sister is away.)

- Was at Red Rock Auto before 8 a.m. to get my car serviced. (Unfortunately, they didn't have time to do it.)

- Took a brisk walk in the park in the crisp morning air. (This wouldn't have happened if they would've had time to service my car.)

- Returned home, washed and hung out a load of laundry, baked a cake

- Sped over to MSF and sold wheat to many and sundry farmers for 2 hours

- Heard a new song on the radio - "Call It Grace" by Unspoken

- Rushed "home" and grabbed a bite of lunch with Mom.

- Went to Fairview Service for new windshield wipers.

- Took Mom to visit a neighbor lady who had a birthday.

- Took a nap

- Gathered the eggs

- Paid car registration

- Signed up for a new healthcare plan

- Fed the cat

- Made supper

- Played games with Mom

And then Mom and I rolled and braided our hair and pretended we were "little ole ladies" and had a tea party (only it was hot chocolate with marshmallows because Mom doesn't like tea) and sat and talked "little ole lady" talk.

And that was a lovely end to my day...

The Beach

Lincoln City, Oregon

My sisters and I eagerly headed out to the beach. No matter that we had been up since 2:00 o'clock that morning. It had been 19 years since I last saw the waters of the Pacific Ocean and I wasn't about to wait a minute longer!

My growing up years, Dad would often take us to Oregon to visit Grandpa and Grandma Kroeker. A visit to the beach was always a highlight of the trip. Upon arrival we would throw an old blanket out on the sand and spread out the picnic lunch that Grandma had prepared. I have no idea what we ate, only that it tasted differently when eaten in the ocean air. I was told that the first time I encountered the vast expanse of strange-looking sand, I was terrified and refused to even stick my toes in. This, of course, was at a very tender age, for I do not remember it. I can only imagine what I thought of the huge, crashing waves if the sand terrified me.

But this day, many years later was different. As soon as I hit the beach, off came the shoes. I wiggled my toes in the sand. I thought of the verses in Psalms 139:

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand." vs.17-18a.

I picked up a handful of sand and let it run through my fingers. Wow, I couldn't even count the grains in one handful! God must be thinking about me an awful lot!

And the water!! I couldn't wait to get in, even though I knew it would be ice-cold! And it was, but also very refreshing! How I delighted in the waves rolling in one after the other. They just kept coming and coming! If you kept your eyes turned seaward it was okay but as soon as you looked away another wave would catch you by surprise. Trying to run out of the water didn't work very well, especially if you were going against the tide. It was better to stand your ground and ride them out.

As I stood there I thought of the song "In Over My Head" that says:

"...I'm standing knee-deep but I'm out where I've never been

I feel you coming and I hear your voice on the wind,

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put you in

Let love come teach me who you are again..."

And that is my prayer today...

For me.

For you.

"Apple of His Eye"

In a desert land he found him, 

in a barren and howling waste.

He shielded him and cared for him;

he guarded him as the apple of his eye,

Deuteronomy 32:10

The "apple of the eye" refers to the pupil, a delicate part of the eye that is essential for vision and therefore must be protected at all costs.

That is how God cares for us!

Father's Day

I wasn't sure what to do for Dad for Father's Day, knowing he was nearing the end. I wanted to do something that would be meaningful to him. Then God gave me the idea to write him a letter. I was privileged to read this letter to him 2 weeks before he died. The following are excerpts from that letter:

"Tonight I got to feed you your supper. It took a lot of effort just to chew and swallow your food. It seemed to wear you out. You didn't say much, as is common these days. 

As I look with love and affection on your beloved face, I recall days gone by. I remember when I would fall asleep during family devotions and you would carry me up to bed. Sometimes I would pretend to be asleep because I loved to be carried by you.

"Thank you for who you are. I want you to know how much you mean to me and that I love you more than words can say.

Now you are old (93) and tired. Your brain no longer works well. You no longer know my name but still there is recognition in your eyes when you look at me. Your body is slowly wearing out and we see the end coming when you will pass on to a better home, the one prepared especially for you. I believe you will have an orchard with every fruit imaginable and maybe a small wheat field. A dog will be sitting on the porch and there will be a lush, bountiful garden with peanuts and sweet potatoes. You will milk a few cows, with a few chickens scratching in the yard.

There will be no more pain or sorrow or sadness. I can almost hear your hearty laugh as Jesus comes running, gives you a big bear hug, slaps you on the back and says, 'Welcome home, brother!' And then he will lead you to the very throne of the Father and you will know a love so overwhelmingly sweet it will be hard to stand in his presence. And you will hear these words, 'Welcome home, son. I'm so glad you are here!' You will know you are loved beyond description!"

This picture was taken on Dad's last birthday, November 2, 2014.

The Ornery Little Boy

The day of the funeral, Leroy related this story to us at the graveside. It happened several years ago when Dad was still about but already suffering some memory loss. This was during the time when Dad loved eating desserts and had no qualms about how much he ate.


One day a friend of Mom's came to visit, bringing along a pie. Mom carefully set it on the table, giving Dad strict instructions not to touch it. Mom and Elizabeth went outside to look at the flowers. When they wanted to come back inside they discovered the doors were all locked and you can guess what Dad was doing...eating pie! It seemed they had to ring the doorbell for quite some time before they got a response. I guess Dad thought it was more important to finish his piece of pie first!

Occasionally we got glimpses of that ornery little boy that Dad must've been!

My Father...

...is awesome beyond description! He loves me beyond words! He is tender and compassionate. He gives me the desires of my heart. He is constantly pursuing me. Yet, He is patient beyond anything I can imagine, forgiving again and again. He takes me by the hand and says, "Come with me, my child." I feel safe and secure for nothing takes Him by surprise and He knows everything about me. He leads me into the desert, away from other distractions, and speaks tenderly to me. He hears every cry of my heart, sees every tear that falls. He is constantly working for my good. He is for me, not against me!

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him." Isaiah 64:4

Whose Cookie?

As I was looking through emails from the last year, I came across some "Dad" stories that were just too good not to share. Here is one of them!


An older couple joined us for lunch one Sunday noon. Food and conversation flowed freely. The gentleman loved telling stories. Just as the dessert was being served, he launched into yet another lengthy tale, leaving his food nearly untouched on his plate.

Dad, unhindered by the storytelling, continued eating, finishing in record time. As he finished the last bite he looked around, noticing the cookie on his neighbor's plate. As it was within reach, he decided to help himself, never mind that it already had one bite gone.

A cry of alarm went up from his daughters, "That's not your cookie! Put it back!" Confused, Dad quickly took a bite and put it back. Oh, no! Now what? Two bites gone but whose cookie was it? The storyteller graciously handed it back to Dad and after we convinced him it was okay, he happily munched away.

The interrupted story was resumed and Dad, finishing off the second cookie, found that still he wanted more. He quietly reached for another from the cookie plate in the middle of the table. Oh, dear!

We all had a good laugh and Dad got more than his fair share of cookies!

It Will Come

For weeks and months the work continued...pounding, dust, dirt and noise. I couldn't see but I knew there was work going on... the plastic was a temporary division to keep the dust confined. Now and then, I heard progress reports and I knew things were moving ahead, although it seemed long and slow.  Occasional glimpses were given of what was to come.

And then...one morning I arrived to find the wall removed! The room was large and vast, much space  before me. I stepped in with awe, almost as though on holy ground. And then he came and pointed out to me the desk in the corner. "It's yours, all yours," he said. I stood and stared, hardly daring to believe... a place, a place all my own! "And that's not all," he continued, "See that computer? That is yours to use as well. You will also find your own email account with your very own name. Pauline.

He continued on his way and I gingerly stepped over to "my" corner. I ran my hand over the beautiful, smooth, new desktop. I admired the large window, to which I could turn my gaze, when tired eyes need a break from numbers. I checked out the drawers, imagining what would go in them. I pulled out the keyboard and typed in my password.

And he said there was more to come, I mused. I believed him and yet, I thought, with some skepticism, How soon? As the day progressed I watched in amazement as "more came"! My own phone...Ext. 113 - Pauline, it said, bold and plain for all to see. A larger monitor was next, so much better than the first one. And a chair, a real chair they say is on its way.

There may be a lot of dust and dirt and noise going on behind the "wall". You may not see much progress and think what was promised is long in coming. Don't despair for one day you will be surprised that suddenly it has arrived and it will contain more, much more, than you ever dared hope for!

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him." Isaiah 64:4