He Weeps With Us

 The other day I was feeling the heaviness of the world situation and the coronavirus that seems to be running rampant. As I went about my work I was asking God about it and wondering if he even cares or why doesn't he DO SOMETHING about it??!!

Shortly thereafter, I found myself singing an old hymn, that I hadn't thought of in a long time, "Does Jesus Care?" Here is a snatch of it:

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained,

Too deeply for mirth or song,

As the burdens press, and the cares distress,

And the way grows weary and long.

Oh, yes, he cares, I know he cares,

His heart is touched with my grief,

When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,

I know my Savior cares.

I felt the Father's heart weeping over his people and in that moment I KNEW that He does care! 

I was reminded of the story of Lazarus in John 11. His sisters asked Jesus to come because he was sick, but Jesus didn't get there till after he had died! They thought he was too late! And it says, "Jesus wept." John 11:35. But then, he proceeded to raise Lazarus from the dead!!

He has not forgotten us, he is not too late, and that resurrection power is still good today! Hallelujah!!

The Gift

 The day started much as any other, as I headed to work under a bright blue sky. I found my place and dived into the piles of work that had accumulated over the weekend. It didn't feel like I was making much progress as more and more things were added to the stack. I sighed rather wearily. 

About mid-morning an elderly couple walked in the front door. I greeted them and asked, as I do, who they were looking for and what was their name. My ears perked as I heard the name "Schrag"! "Oh!" I said brightly, "that's a good name. I'm a Schrag, too!" Now their interest was piqued. "Are you Dan's daughter?" the man asked, "I'm his cousin!"

They moved on to do the business for which they had come to Sturdi-Bilt as I sat there smiling and musing to myself. I really must talk to them some more, I thought. I stepped outside for some fresh air and just as I was coming in the side door, they were exiting the front. I ran after them waving my arms. 

The next 15 minutes were quite delightful as Cousin Mervin told me family history. He was Uncle Pete's boy, one of 11 children, and they grew up a half mile from Dad's boyhood home. He recalled pleasant memories of working with Dad and said more than once how kind and gentle he was. I somehow felt refreshed as I headed back to work.

Musing about it later, I thought, What a gift! For you see, today, would have been Dad's 99th birthday! It felt like a little bit of him came back to comfort me. Thank you, Jesus!

My Biggest Fear

 One Sunday evening some friends and I sat on the front porch discussing life. Of course, the pandemic and related issues came up for discussion. We were talking about some of our fears that had surfaced. It was only later that I realized what my biggest fear is. 

It's not really about what happens in the world, whether it's famine or flood or economic collapse, who wins the election or whether war breaks out. It's not even about the end of the world. 

What I want to know more than anything is that I'll be taken care of. And I know One who does take care of His own.

As Psalms 33:18 says:

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine."

I find myself continually going back to Him, straining my ears to hear what He is saying, keeping an open heart to what He is doing, asking for light for the path. 

One morning this week He highlighted to me the story of Abraham where God asked him to sacrifice his only son, Isaac. At the last minute God provided a ram so Isaac didn't have to die. 

And it says, "...on the mountain of the Lord it will be provided." 

Genesis 22:14b. 

I was asking God what the "mountain of the Lord" is for me and He said that it is the place of obedience and sacrifice. Wow! It's in that place of obedience that I experience provision. 

It's not that I never battle fear, believe me, I've had my share of it, but there is that underlying confidence in my Father and His ability and power to take care of me. 

He's Waiting...

...to answer your prayer.

As I drove to church yesterday morning it was with a sense of anticipation and expectancy. I had not been there for several weeks, for a variety of reasons.

I pulled into the parking lot and a sense of fear gripped me. That ugly, dark, unrelenting monster that had tried to pull me down and keep me isolated and alone, especially in the last few months. I had arrived a few minutes early, so I just sat there for a bit, battling the desire to turn tail and run. "No!" I told myself sternly, "you are NOT going home!" Just then I saw a friend heading for the front door and I hurried to join her. (It's always friendlier with two!)

We walked on in, where I saw two other friends chatting. They warmly welcomed me as I moved on in to find a seat.

The songs and worship time was refreshing and encouraging and the Presence of God was there. It was followed by a Spirit-filled sermon that touched my heart, where new truths were brought out. At the end Pastor Eric invited anyone to come forward who needed prayer. I knew that was me. (I'm not very brave when it comes to such things but when you get desperate enough for God, you just do it!)

He invited another friend to come join us in prayer and the tears flowed as I felt the touch of God through them. Such love and compassion and the heart of Jesus. Words of life and healing spoken over me. She prayed for the fear and for divine connections to ease the loneliness.

I made my way to the back of the church and stopped to talk to another lady who, in the course of our conversation, asked me if I'm in a small group. (This is something I've been praying about for some time.) She also had been praying/longing for a good group. We laughed and cried and couldn't believe how good God is. I suggested another family we might ask to join us and it was someone she had already been wanting to connect with, too!

Driving home the tears continued to fall...happy tears, thankful tears, tears that told of God's goodness. I knew I was meant to be there that day.

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Some answers to prayer come quickly and others take years. But He has not forgotten! Don't believe it for a minute. At the perfect time He WILL step in and you will KNOW that He is God. Don't underestimate His power to give you the desires of your heart. He loves you much more than you know!

Deeper Still

The way seems long, 

the night is dark, 

the suffering hard, 

the end I cannot see. 

The pain is deep, so deep. 

And through the dark I hear His voice, 

"My LOVE is deeper still."

Matters of the Heart

This past weekend my sister and I took a much-needed get-away to Herington, KS.

One morning I got up at 6:30, as the softness of the bed wasn't really conducive to sleeping in, and went for a bike ride around the lake.

I hadn't been on a bike for years but it didn't take long to learn to balance again. I drank in the beauty of the morning as I followed the road, up hill and down, around this curve and then the next bend. Kansas, known to be FLAT, did not seem so that morning. At times I got off my bike and walked it up the next hill. I kept pushing on for I always wanted to see what was just around the next bend but no matter how far I went I couldn't quite see the end of the road.

I thought how much like life this is. The ups and downs, the pushing on, always straining to see what's ahead. Struggling to climb the next hill, triumphantly reaching the top, stopping to look back and say, "Now, that wasn't so bad after-all!" And then, at times, you turn around and go back the way you came and you discover the hills you struggled to climb, you can now coast down with ease.

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Another adventure was searching for Hope. Several years ago I found out there is a town in Kansas named Hope. It piqued my interest and I wanted to go there. When we realized it was only 15 miles from the place we were staying we decided to go check it out.

If you look closely, you will see the slogan at the bottom:

"There will always be Hope in Kansas." 

It was fun driving around this small town, which boasts a population of 334, to find a bank, a filling station, a park, a cafe but most of all a church.

Somehow my heart stirred with hope once more as my eyes were turned back to Him.

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Driving home this morning we listened to an excellent sermon by Pastor Eric on "The Wilderness". This was the 3rd Sunday in the 4-week series.

He talked about the children of Israel wandering through the desert and how they got so frustrated and wanted to go back. The uncertainty, the barrenness, the lack of comforts of life or even necessities, which God supernaturally provided.

And it says:

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands." Deuteronomy 8:2

In school days the teacher gave us tests to learn what was in our heads. Now God gives us tests to learn what is in our hearts. 

You can listen to the full sermon here.

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At the end of the day there is hope!

Freedom to Live...

...in the Father's love.

I see Him looking with longing heart at you, my child. Wanting to draw you close. To whisper words of hope and peace to your heart. To lift the weariness and pain and let you rest.

Come. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28

I needed this today. Perhaps someone else did, too.

I Will Trust

"I will trust and not be afraid."

This verse has been on repeat the last couple of weeks.

- When work looks overwhelming...

     I will trust and not be afraid.

- When an order I was counting on doesn't come...

      I will trust and not be afraid.

- When relationships seem hard...

      I will trust and not be afraid.

- When health issues loom large...

      I will trust and not be afraid.

- When the future looks uncertain...

      I will trust and not be afraid.

- When a pandemic hits and my world is turned upside down...

      I will trust and not be afraid.

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This song has also been on repeat: Yes and Amen.

"I will rest in your promises, My confidence, is your faithfulness..."

Every day and all the time... I will trust and not be afraid!

Trust vs. Worry

I found myself slipping back into this thing of worry, again the other day, and Jesus so gently reminded me of Matthew 6:

25. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 27. Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

33. But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

There is always something to worry about...

I see the dust blowing and worry about it being too dry, but then it starts raining and what if it floods?

I worry about having too much work but my work is cut back and I worry about not having enough.

I worry about not having enough time but then I have extra time and worry about what to do.

I worry about what people think of me and then I worry that they aren't thinking about me at all.:(

I feel good today but what if I don't feel good tomorrow?

I worry about what to wear - will I be too cold or maybe too hot?!

God has always provided for me in the past but, what if, this time, he doesn't?!

Worry is not okay with the Father and it is not okay with me. He kindly showed me how I had gotten off track and needed to get my eyes back on Him. Throughout the next day these words kept coming back to me, "Do not worry." He wasn't just saying, "Get over it! What's the big deal?", but there was the gentle whisper, I've got this and it's going to be okay. I felt the pressure lift and I could relax and go on with my work.

It goes back to trust. Trust is being able to identify what I need, telling God what it is and believing that he will supply it. To know that I matter to Him.

Thank you, Father!

A New Identity

“When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.”
—Winnie the Pooh

Excitement was running high as a friend and I headed to a "Be In Health" conference in Tulsa, OK. We had the support of many friends and the confidence that God would come and meet us there. Questions needed answers. We had no idea the "fun" we would have staying at a Hilton - getting lost inside, unable to gain access to our room, walking for miles, etc. - but, oh, the laughter! (But that is another story for another day.)

As we settled into our seats that first day and the speakers got up to make introductions I found myself crying, the tears silently trickling down my face. I was powerless to make them stop. I felt the love and Presence of God, knew that it was a safe place and that God had brought me there. 

Be In Health teaches about the possible spiritual roots connected with disease. They have done much research and through the Holy Spirit helped thousands of people to find healing that they so desperately needed. Let me just say that not all disease comes from spiritual problems but if you have gone to a doctor and they can't find anything wrong it might be a clue to check further. 

But let me tell you my story...

For many years I have had allergies, mainly chemical sensitivity to perfumes, scented candles, detergents, etc. For awhile it seemed to be getting better but more recently had increased in intensity. I realized I was afraid of people and places where I knew I would have to face this thing. It really resonated with me when they said allergies come from anxiety, stress and fear - more specifically relationship breakdowns in the home and not feeling safe. 

For two days I sat under their teaching. There were many good things and much of it I had read about in their book "A More Excellent Way". It made sense and yet I couldn't quite put my finger on what was the root issue for me, so I kept praying and asking God to shine His light. The conference ended with no significant breakthrough.

The next day as we were driving home I got out my notes and my friend and I were discussing the things we had learned. Suddenly things began to make sense. My grandpa was an angry man and didn't have a good relationship with his sons. Because of that my dad harbored a lot of anger. For the most part it was hidden deep inside but on occasion showed its face. (I will just insert here that he was a very Godly man and served God to the best of his knowledge and I honor him for that.) I tried very hard to please my dad. I tried hard to keep peace in the family. I wanted to do everything just right cause I was terrified of dad getting angry at me. I realized that is the way I had learned to relate to others, as well. It's a fear-based identity. Anger is fear-driven, therefore, it is often controlling. Fear of others being angry with me creates distance. 

I was shocked to realize I am just like my dad. For the most part I had kept the anger stuffed deep inside (the resentment I felt when others didn't listen to me, made unjust demands, didn't treat me well, etc.), but those I was closest to and worked with day to day were actually afraid of me. I was trying to control them with my anger. 

I had to forgive my dad and get rid of all bitterness towards him. I repented of agreeing with the spirit of anger that was passed down to me and cast it out. I asked forgiveness for how my anger hurt others. 

Because of my earthly father I had a wrong perception of my heavenly Father. As I asked Him what He wanted me to know, this is what He said: I am a God of love, not anger. Your dad's identity was anger but mine is love. 

I have felt a real difference this past week in how I feel towards/relate to people. There is a freedom and a joy in relationship that I've never had before. It's not that I'm never tempted to be angry but God reminds me of my new identity and as I choose love it brings peace. 

As for the allergies, I believe that is something that will need to be walked out, as well, and choosing love over fear. I can already see a difference and I am grateful.

We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people but our perfect God patiently keeps working to draw us to Himself. He is teaching my heart to trust again. 

Healing comes through relationship. 

Someday...

...I will write again...

His Mercy Is More

The Gift of Time

Another year gone...another year before me...50 years gone, 50 more to come...:)

The best gift anyone could ever give me is time (of course, there is always chocolate, too!) I love spending time with people, to connect heart to heart, to talk about things that really matter. 

This Christmas Ann and I decided not to give a lot of gifts but rather do things for one another. We also spent a lot of time talking - about the past, present and future. 

The last year was hard in many ways. The decision to move in with Mom & Ann (a few short weeks before Mom died) was a difficult one (the giving up of my independence) but it is one I will never regret. I treasure the memories of Mom and the last 2 weeks that we siblings got to spend around her bedside. It was an unexpected gift that may never come again. 

Mom is gone but memories are not. Today I mentioned eating sprouts and couldn't help but add a quote of Mom's from the last year, "It must be hard to be a rabbit!" Ann & I erupted in laughter! Playing games with friends the last 2 days also reminded me of Mom who dearly loved to play games. I like doing puzzles because they are a good interaction point and also remind me of Mom. 

A friend, from grade school days, and I have been wanting to get together. Finally I said that we need to go out and celebrate turning 50! We talked of different options and then she said, "Let's just plan to spend the day!" That connected with my heart - someone wants to spend the day with me!

The Father has been taking me to new levels of trust this past year. It has been hard, but good, at the same time. He is there walking with me on the journey and He loves spending time with me. Even in the pain He comes and quietly sits with me. This song  Not Afraid is a current favorite of mine.

Thank you, Father, for the gift of time.