You Will Always Be

Fear has played a pretty big part in my life. I've known that for a long time, but it has felt so big and overwhelming I didn't even know how to confront it. This is something that God has been patiently working on with me. He told me, some months back, to let go of the fear and open my heart to receive love. This is something we've had many conversations about. 

One of my fears, that is very deep, and goes way back, is the fear that I won't be taken care of. A situation came up this week that pressed hard on that deep pain in my heart. I KNEW, in my head, that I would be taken care of, but I just couldn't seem to get it to my heart. 

One night I came home and sat and wept and wept and just sat with that little girl that didn't think she'd be taken care of. There was this song I had on repeat that I listened to until I felt it deep inside, that it was true. This says it better than I can. You can listen to it here: Fall on Me by NeedtoBreathe. 

Here is a snatch of it:

You were there to pick me up

And tell me I was good enough

It doesn't matter what I've done

You pull me closer

The highs and lows and in-betweens

You're the one that's there for me

When I hurt and when I bleed

You make it better

You make it better. 

You will always be

You will always be

The one that I can call

The safest place to fall

For me

When I can't stand

When I can't stand.

The next day I got hit again and had to cry some more, and I put this song on repeat again. I may still feel that fear, but I know I've found a deeper place of knowing - that I will be taken care of. 

Living My Best Life

Occasionally, memories come up on Facebook and I think, It sounds like I was having a lot of fun back then. And then I wonder, Why am I not having fun now, or am I?

The other day I wrote in my journal, "I feel like I'm living my best life." I don't even know what the situation was that made me write that, but since then I have pondered what "my best life" means. 

Some of the things I would use to describe it are these:

-    a heart at rest

-    knowing I'm loved

-    emotional health

-    healthy relationships

-    at peace within myself

-    feeling safe

-    living in the moment and enjoying it

-    laughter

-    someone to be with me in my pain (that could be myself, God or others)

-    freedom to be me (with all the good, messy & beautiful!)

-    slowing down

This is not a comprehensive list and I have not, by any means, attained all of these, but I have, if only for a brief moment, experienced them in some form or other.

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The other week I came across this picture that is a throw-back to 30-plus years ago. I pulled it out and set it on my desk, because it captures a day in which I was really enjoying life. 

An old-time friend had come to visit and some of her siblings, cousins and I went to The Thousand Islands on the New York/Canadian border. It was a fun day! We toured Boldt Castle, went on a ferry ride (that messed my hair), and I got to work on my tan. I may or may not have howled with laughter when a seagull pooped on my friend's head. As I recall, I got to have off from the evening milking (which was a rare occurrence!), so we went out to eat for supper in Watertown.  I might add, that the pleasure of the day was enhanced for me, due to the fact that my friend had a brother and there was some mutual attraction between us. 

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All that being said, enjoying life today is more about sleeping in on the weekend, watching "Sue Thomas FBI" movies, playing with Daisy (Ann's dog), helping Ann pick cherries, eating ice cream with coworkers, conspiring with a coworker to play pranks on the boss, listening with compassion to tales of woe, rejoicing in the good news of a friend, and sitting on the front porch with the breeze gently blowing (well, in KS you might call that a gale!). 

I'm not sure how to end this so I guess I'll just go on living my best life!