You Will Always Be

Fear has played a pretty big part in my life. I've known that for a long time, but it has felt so big and overwhelming I didn't even know how to confront it. This is something that God has been patiently working on with me. He told me, some months back, to let go of the fear and open my heart to receive love. This is something we've had many conversations about. 

One of my fears, that is very deep, and goes way back, is the fear that I won't be taken care of. A situation came up this week that pressed hard on that deep pain in my heart. I KNEW, in my head, that I would be taken care of, but I just couldn't seem to get it to my heart. 

One night I came home and sat and wept and wept and just sat with that little girl that didn't think she'd be taken care of. There was this song I had on repeat that I listened to until I felt it deep inside, that it was true. This says it better than I can. You can listen to it here: Fall on Me by NeedtoBreathe. 

Here is a snatch of it:

You were there to pick me up

And tell me I was good enough

It doesn't matter what I've done

You pull me closer

The highs and lows and in-betweens

You're the one that's there for me

When I hurt and when I bleed

You make it better

You make it better. 

You will always be

You will always be

The one that I can call

The safest place to fall

For me

When I can't stand

When I can't stand.

The next day I got hit again and had to cry some more, and I put this song on repeat again. I may still feel that fear, but I know I've found a deeper place of knowing - that I will be taken care of. 

Living My Best Life

Occasionally, memories come up on Facebook and I think, It sounds like I was having a lot of fun back then. And then I wonder, Why am I not having fun now, or am I?

The other day I wrote in my journal, "I feel like I'm living my best life." I don't even know what the situation was that made me write that, but since then I have pondered what "my best life" means. 

Some of the things I would use to describe it are these:

-    a heart at rest

-    knowing I'm loved

-    emotional health

-    healthy relationships

-    at peace within myself

-    feeling safe

-    living in the moment and enjoying it

-    laughter

-    someone to be with me in my pain (that could be myself, God or others)

-    freedom to be me (with all the good, messy & beautiful!)

-    slowing down

This is not a comprehensive list and I have not, by any means, attained all of these, but I have, if only for a brief moment, experienced them in some form or other.

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The other week I came across this picture that is a throw-back to 30-plus years ago. I pulled it out and set it on my desk, because it captures a day in which I was really enjoying life. 

An old-time friend had come to visit and some of her siblings, cousins and I went to The Thousand Islands on the New York/Canadian border. It was a fun day! We toured Boldt Castle, went on a ferry ride (that messed my hair), and I got to work on my tan. I may or may not have howled with laughter when a seagull pooped on my friend's head. As I recall, I got to have off from the evening milking (which was a rare occurrence!), so we went out to eat for supper in Watertown.  I might add, that the pleasure of the day was enhanced for me, due to the fact that my friend had a brother and there was some mutual attraction between us. 

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All that being said, enjoying life today is more about sleeping in on the weekend, watching "Sue Thomas FBI" movies, playing with Daisy (Ann's dog), helping Ann pick cherries, eating ice cream with coworkers, conspiring with a coworker to play pranks on the boss, listening with compassion to tales of woe, rejoicing in the good news of a friend, and sitting on the front porch with the breeze gently blowing (well, in KS you might call that a gale!). 

I'm not sure how to end this so I guess I'll just go on living my best life!

My Perspective on Mother's Day

Mother's Day has come and gone for another year. It doesn't always strike me the same way and this year was distinctly different in several respects. 

I was thinking of Mom on Mother's Day, although it is now 5 years since she went to heaven. I loved her dearly, but in the journey of emotional healing I've been on, I've had to face some of the ways that Mom missed me. However, that morning I was asking God to bring to mind specific times when I felt loved by her, which he did. From there it went to memories of times that other women have "mothered" me. A hug, a smile, letting me talk, crying with me, praying for me, believing in me, including me in their families, etc. I felt the love seeping in to the very core of my being. The vast richness of God's provision for me. No, my Mom didn't give me everything I needed, for no one person can do that, but God in his infinite love had others along the way to fill in the gaps. 

And then the other side of the coin that has also felt painful at times of never having children of my own. That morning in church there was an acknowledgement that Mother's Day can be hard depending on your situation. I felt that sadness rise up and had to grieve that loss, but then I had this picture of being handed all these babies and I was reminded of all the children I had the privilege of "mothering", whether for a moment, a day or months. The best and most significant one was being a nanny for triplets for one school year. How special to "mother" those 3 little boys at the most tender, vulnerable time of their life! Then there were nieces and nephews, children of co-workers, children on the mission field, my friends children and many more. And these verses came to mind in Isaiah 49: 

"Then you will say in your heart: Who has borne me these? I was bereaved and barren, exiled and put away, but who has brought up these? Behold I was left alone; from where have these come? Thus says the Lord God...they shall bring your sons in their arms and your daughters shall be carried on their shoulders...then you will know that I am the Lord; those who wait for me shall not be disappointed."

So whatever your Mother's Day was like I pray that God met you there as he did me. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to those of you that have "mothered" me and those that have let me be part of "mothering" your children.

Strong As Death

"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death. Jealousy is fierce as the grave. It's flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord." 

Song of Solomon 8:6 ESV

The study note says: Love, like death, is relentlessly persistent, always accomplishing its goal. 

Seal: assigned ownership of an object; a device or substance that is used to join two things together so as to prevent them from coming apart or to prevent anything from passing between them. 

Jealousy: resolute devotion

To think this is how God loves me, brings me to tears. It's hard to describe this kind of love in words. It's something I have to experience. 

Although, I say I want to be loved, there are times I find myself pushing love away and running the other direction. It might be because of fear or shame. It might be because I feel I'm not worthy of love, something I did that would make Him quit loving me. But that "thing" is actually the very reason He died for me. He doesn't love me less, He loves me more. There is absolutely no way to earn His love. It is simply mine for the taking. 

"My Beloved speaks and says to me, Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away." 

Song of Solomon 2:10

A Message of Hope

Easter! It's such a familiar story that I've heard all my life. The story of Jesus dying and then coming to life again. But what does it mean for me personally? How can I know and experience it now?

I woke up this morning asking the question, What do I need today? Immediately I thought, I want someone to be with. This has been a recurring theme for me. Much of my life I have felt very alone. Some of it has been of my own making. Because of the pain and fear of being hurt I have built high walls to protect myself and even abandoned myself in the process. In my journey,the last several years to find healing and wholeness, I have discovered there is lots of love all around. My job is to open my heart to receive it. 

The other day as I was sitting with Jesus, feeling some sadness and pain from the past, he said to me, "I came because I love you and want to be with you! You were sad cause you thought you were losing love. Dry you eyes, my Child, love will never leave you.You will see a resurrection, for that same power that raised me from the dead, is at work in you." What I thought was dead, He is bringing to life. 

My past, my pain, my failures, my regrets can't keep me from His love. 2 Corinthians 5:21 "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." The definition of righteous is: free from guilt or sin; in right standing with God. 

Love is free. I don't have to earn it. That is why Jesus came. All I have to do is open my heart and receive it. 

So for today, Jesus is with me. It may be the kind eyes looking into mine, the gentle hand on my shoulder, the hug from a friend, the irises blooming outside my window, the song Living Hope or Easter dinner shared with a sister. It may simply be sitting with Jesus. He is here. I am not alone. 

Is the Volume Turned On?

Last Saturday I girded the loins of my mind and decided to go shopping in the big city of Wichita. At least to this small-town, country gal it seems big. I'm not much of a shopper to start with and when you combine it with city driving, well, you might say, it takes a lot of courage. However, my adventurous spirit kicked in and I decided to tackle it head-on. Actually, the biggest attraction was the thought of meeting a long-time friend for lunch. 

My first stop that morning was at Christopher & Banks. This place was not hard to find. I could've even done it without the GPS but I put it on, just in case. As I was in the fitting room, I heard this voice coming from the depths of my purse, instructing me where to make the next turn. I was embarrassed and slightly disgusted and turned the volume off. That should fix it, I thought. I finished fitting on clothes, paid for my purchases and headed out the door. 

Now where am I going? I pulled my phone out and put the address in the GPS. I slowly started driving, waiting for it to start "talking". It didn't! I was peeved. Sometimes it talks and sometimes it doesn't, so I kept going, fervently hoping it would decide to use it's voice. It's hard to drive (in traffic, no less!) while trying to look at the GPS to see where I am going. I thought I knew which street to turn on but I wasn't sure which direction so I missed the turn and pulled off. Now I was getting mad! Why isn't this stupid thing "talking"?? I looked it over to see if I could figure out any clues. Hmmm....I suddenly remembered what had happened in the dressing room. It might help to turn the volume up. Amazingly, after that it worked!

This got me thinking...

There are times I wonder why God isn't talking to me. I'm asking for directions cause I REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO GO! But I don't hear anything and I'm too impatient to sit and wait till I do, so I forge ahead and then miss my turn. Then I waste time back-tracking and feel frustrated. Why? Why do I do this? Wouldn't it have been better to sit and listen until I knew which direction to go? And maybe it would also help if I turn the volume on. Some of the things that put it in the "off" position may be doubt, unbelief, busyness, worry or fear. These definitely keep me from hearing. How about you?

"...in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength..." Isaiah 30:15

Take Courage...

...He's in the waiting...

This song, Take Courage, popped up on a playlist this morning and I was reminded how much I like it. The phrase that especially stood out to me was, He's in the waiting... 

I'm sure we all have things we're waiting for and sometimes the waiting can feel like wasted time. Recently, the Lord said to me, "There is joy in the waiting." So I've been looking for the joy. Here are a few things from this week. 

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One morning I went to work feeling rather sad and lonely. Before long a coworker arrived with his 3-year-old daughter in tow and a box of donuts. It brought a smile to my face. The daughter is a delight to chat with and donuts are my favorite. A bit later I found the little girl quietly sitting in the kitchen eating her donut. I sat down across from her and struck up a conversation. We talked of important things, such as, her new house, her new baby brother and our favorite colors. I found out that it isn't okay to have the same favorite color. Since hers is purple, she graciously offered that I could have pink. I wasn't so sure... None the less, it got my day off to a good start!

Yesterday I was getting ready to go to the bank at 3:30 and my manager said that I could go on home if I wanted to. I thought about that for a bit and decided I didn't want to, so instead I stopped at Dillons, and, on a whim, got a box of mini Cookies 'N Cream Cupcakes and took them back to the office. They were met with surprise and delight and enjoyed by all. 

In the evening I pulled out my old Andy Griffith movies and watched "A Wife for Andy". His friend, Barney, had quite some interesting ways of helping him (although he didn't want any help) and I got some good chuckles in. After that I rough-housed with the neighbors dog and laughed some more!

What brings you joy? Grab it and run! Don't let it pass you by!

He's in the waiting and in the waiting is joy.