Leaving...

A few weeks ago my brother, sister and I went to visit the place near McPherson where I lived the first 6 years of my life. The folks that bought it 43 years ago are still the current owners. We were delighted to see how they have kept it up and made many improvements.

In the days when we lived there, there was a screened-in porch and a detached garage. Now the porch has been opened up and the attached 2-car garage makes a nice addition.

Neither did the kitchen Mom worked in look anything like this. There was a dividing wall between the kitchen and dining room, making it much smaller, the cupboards were old and the kitchen sink was by the north window, causing frozen water pipes in the winter.

It was with delight that we toured the whole house, sharing memories and recalling how things used to be. They even let us peak into the attic. We sat at the dining room table and heard stories of days gone by, some of which were totally new to me. A beautiful link to Dad and Mom, who have gone on before.

And then we walked around outside...The old machine shed is long gone, along with the little garage. The old silo we used to play in was also gone but the milk house still stood. They talked of the "1000" trees Dad planted (maybe 2000!) for a windbreak around the whole 15 acres. It was refreshing to see how the current owners have kept and taken care of them.

As we drove away we all felt in a bit of a daze, as if we had stepped back over 40 years.

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I have lived in many places since that one. For a few short weeks I will still be living in the house Dad had built 26 years ago near Hutchinson, and then I, too, must say goodbye.

I don't recall shedding tears when I had to move at 6 years old. Then I was excited for something new and the whole world was before me. Although I have already said goodbye to Dad and Mom, this move feels like leaving another piece of them behind, but I know that it is good and I choose to reach towards the light with open hands and heart, with a bit of that 6-year-old excitement, for all that God has in store for the next phase of my journey.

Shedding tears,
Pauline

The Weight of Waiting - Turning Wait into Hope

The last weeks and months have been filled with waiting... After Mom's death we came to the decision to sell the home place. As the word circulated, there seemed to be some interest. One party came to look and our hopes soared. They wanted to make an offer but they were also waiting on their place to sell. We waited and waited and finally decided to go ahead and list it. But even that came with lots of questions/decisions that didn't seem easy to answer. And then another party showed up that seemed interested but they, too, needed to sell their place first. We gave them a week to get back with an answer.

I got up that morning with a sense of excitement. This is the day! That long awaited offer on our place, that we were hopeful would be one we could accept. It was hard to concentrate on other things. I came home from work and there still was no word. My sister and I sat down to eat supper, ears tuned for that call or doorbell ringing. No answer seemed forthcoming. Maybe they forgot, I thought, or don't have an answer ready. Just sitting around didn't seem very productive so we decided to go down to the basement and work on packing. After awhile we heard banging upstairs. Ann dashed up the stairs just in time to catch the guy we had been waiting for. I anxiously waited as they stood outside talking. After what seemed a very long time, she slowly walked back in and said, "He didn't make an offer. They need more time." There didn't seem to be much more to say. Disappointment seeped in and I felt this weight settle over me, the "weight of waiting".

As I was talking to God later He reminded me of this verse:

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah. 40:31 KJV

And I thought, That doesn't sound like me at all. I feel just the opposite - tired and weary and weighed down. Just then I was reminded of the NIV version that says:

"But those who hope in the Lord..."

And God said to me, "If you change the "wait" to "hope" you won't be weighed down." (Hope is the confident expectation of good.)

Suddenly things looked brighter and I felt strength returning. My hope is in God and He's got this! He is turning all things for good.

He wants to do it for you, too. Let Him turn your "wait/weight" into "hope".

Still waiting (with hope),
Pauline

A Good Start in Life

Thanks to my brother, who is 18 months older than I, I was off to a good start!

Feeding me Cheerios for breakfast.

Helping me take off my socks and shoes. 

Giving me a ride in the wagon!

Brothers are like that. 

Thanks, Tim!

Dream Big!

My next place...

Oops!

I rushed in to work, my mind full of other things. One glance at my desk showed many things had accumulated over the long weekend. I immediately sat down to tackle them.

At 7:40 I happened to glance out the front door and saw a man standing there staring at me. He wasn't knocking but seemed to be patiently waiting...for something...

Suddenly it hit me! I jumped out of my chair and hurried to unlock the door and change the "CLOSED" sign to "OPEN". I sincerely apologized as I let him in. He didn't seem upset but was very gracious and kind as I proceeded to take his payment.

To me it was a picture of Jesus. He is so patient and kind, never in a hurry, never forcing His way in. When I don't get it right there is no condemnation but instead that quiet voice saying, "Come, lets go on together from here."

My Song

The beginning of this year God gave me this verse:

"She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future. " Proverbs 31:25

He knew how much I would need it. There has been one thing after the other that has made the future feel very uncertain, but at least I get to laugh a lot! Every time I think of the future (which is quite frequent these days) I laugh. I laugh because I KNOW my God. I know HIS plans for me are good. I know He is FAITHFUL and He always comes through!

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

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A few weeks ago I was at a meeting where some friends spoke God's truth over me. I was still deeply grieving the loss of my mother. The one word that was given was, "Sing your song."

This morning I was asking God what the song is that He's put in my heart. This was His quick reply, "The song of My goodness." So I will tell of His goodness.

It's about having deep relationship with Him. Feeling His heart beating for you. Knowing He is for you and not against you. Seeing Him work in every "little" detail of your life.

Outward circumstances don't always look "good". Honestly, right now I have no idea where I'm going next. There are many big, unanswered questions. Still there is a peace as I keep turning my face back to Him.

This song says it well: King of My Heart

The Real Question

I've often wondered if people like me. It may be my boss, or co-worker, or friends from church, or perhaps even family. It could be people I meet in the store, or children, or customers...the list could go on and on. I've tried so hard to be "likable" (whatever that means!).

Recently I realized I had it all wrong. The question isn't: Do they like me but do I like them? It really turned things around. The focus was totally different. It gave me hope. I can't change other people but I can change myself. 

I'm not talking about being nice on the surface and then talking about them behind their back, but really seeing them as the Father does. Asking Him to show you His heart for them. Treating them with honor and respect even when you don't always agree. 

It is much more productive to try and figure out if I like someone (and ask God to change me, if needed) than to try and figure out if they like me. 

And you know...if you like someone...most likely they will like you back. 

One of Those Days...

...when I felt the tug at my heartstrings and heard God saying, "Slow down, my child."

On my lunch break I went for a short walk. My steps slowed as I savored the warm sun and cool breeze. The blue sky and white, fluffy clouds added to the beauty. It was balm for the sadness I felt once again. Sadness I felt for the loss of my mother, the one who had known me all my life...

She loved hugs and kisses and freely gave them out. One day she wanted me to give her a kiss but I couldn't quite reach her from where I was kneeling on the floor. A few minutes later she said, in a serious tone, "You don't seem to be much into kissing." I laughed merrily and assured that I was! Still she was not convinced and replied, "Well, you better show me then!" I proceeded to smother her with kisses, which brought a smile of delight to her face.

The last three weeks she lay so still, with eyes closed, not really talking or responding. Even in those three weeks I told her many times that I loved her and then would give her a kiss. One of those times, although she couldn't speak, she responded by kissing me back. That is the last memory I have, and one I will always treasure.

In life, Mom was always in a hurry. She always wanted to hurry and get to the next thing even if she didn't know what the next thing was. She would be clearing the dishes off the table before we were even done eating. Somehow that changed at the end. She was in no hurry to die. Many days we waited, thinking each one would be her last...

Life continues on...I can't stop it, but every day I'm more convinced of the importance of slowing down and taking time for the ones I love. Hearing their hearts, sharing the pain and joy, walking together...always towards the Father, whose love is greater than all.

It's been one of those days where sadness was swallowed up in love...

Unexpected Twists and Obedience

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Eccl. 3:11

Yesterday found me cleaning out cupboards and closets and sorting through stuff. There was a pile to trash (no pangs about that!), a pile to donate (a few indecisive moments), and another to sell (liked, but no longer needed). Down-sizing is a challenge, but a good one. I like cleaning out "stuff". The part I find hard is letting go of things I don't need now but maybe will "some day". Will I be able to find something else I like this well?

A week ago I had no idea I would be packing up and planning to move, but one morning this thought came to me that I just couldn't shake. It wasn't that I hadn't ever thought of it before but this time it seemed doable, although there were things I knew would be hard. So I wrestled with God, he won and we are both very happy! I know the rewards will far outweigh the sacrifices!

So...just in case you wondered...I'm moving back HOME! The tears in my sister's eyes when I told her, made it all seem worthwhile. Mom's response with her limited understanding, made me laugh. Her thought was, "Well, it wouldn't hurt."

I'm excited about getting to spend more time with Mom in her last days. This will also enable me to help Ann more with her care. It won't be as lonely for me and yet I will still have my own "space". There will be some adjustments but God who called me is faithful.

"Now we see through a glass darkly but then face to face. Now we know in part, but then shall we know, even as also we are known." I Cor. 13:12

Connections

Yesterday was my Aunt Elda's funeral. She was 83 years old and had been battling cancer. She was never divorced but married 3 times. Her first husband, Abe, was Dad's brother. Funerals are good places to connect. Hearts are soft and open and you often hear things you've never heard before. It's a place of vulnerability and letting others into the places of pain.

I was so encouraged by the testimonies of her 2 sons that had seen the hard things their mom went through but they also saw her strong faith in God. They testified to God's faithfulness in the hard things they had also gone through. Her daughter stayed with her to the final breath she took.

I thoroughly enjoyed talking with aunts and cousins that I have seldom seen over the years. Since Dad married late in life, most of my cousins are a notch older than I. That didn't seem to matter as we visited yesterday. We still have common interests in people and events that have gone before. Someone is always sure to bring up new stories that connect us in deeper ways.

It made me feel closer to Dad and the sweet presence of Jesus. Even though he's been gone 3 1/2 years, the memories linger on.

I was surprised about 2 other non-relative connections I made.

After lunch a lady and her mom came over to talk to me. They had heard about me over the years but we had never met. It seems she and her mom were competing with me and my mom, 49 years ago, for the "1st Baby of the Year" prize at McPherson hospital. Melinda was born December 29, 1969 so I got the prize, arriving January 2nd! (Melinda was also a niece of Elda's but on the other side.)

Then an elderly gentleman came and introduced himself. He told me he was a former roommate of Dad's in Nebraska many years ago! (He is married to Elda's sister.)

I love connecting with family, and others that know my family, but the greatest connection is with Jesus himself and how he draws us all together, family or not! This song that was played at the funeral says it well. Who You Say I Am  What really matters is who He says I am.

Just Be Held

Sometimes it's about hanging on...sometimes about letting go...

Mom needs a lot of help. Sometimes it takes two to lift her out of her chair. The walker is in front of her and she clings to it for dear life, while taking a few feeble steps. One of us quickly pulls the wheelchair up behind her and we tell her to sit down. She's not sure...is there really a place to sit? What's in front of her is more real/tangible, and she has a "death grip" on it! It is hard, really hard to sit while hanging on to the walker, but when she does, she's in for a smooth and easy ride!

Sometimes I fear I'm too much like Mom. I want to hang on to what I can see and it's hard to sit down and rest. If only I could see the bigger picture.

I felt God nudging me the other day and telling me it's time to sit down and rest. Let Him hold me. Let go of all the tension, anxiety and strain of the days, weeks, months and years. And this song came to me:

Just Be Held

Casting Crowns

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand

I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands

So when…

(You can listen to it here.)

Sometimes He walks with us, sometimes He weeps with us. When the way is hard and the waiting long sometimes I just want to be held...and He is there...