The Heart-Beat of the Father

 So often I pray for the Father to touch my heart, but sometimes He wants me to touch His.

************************

Some time ago I had this vision of me as a little girl climbing up these long stairs. I was kind of trudging along with my head down. I had this sense that the Father was at the top, but I wasn't sure what to expect. Would he be glad to see me? Would he be displeased? Would there be harsh words of judgment?

As I got closer I dared to lift my eyes. There was a smile of glad welcome on His face and love beaming from His eyes. As I approached He drew me close and told me to put my hand on His chest. I gingerly stretched out my hand and the Father said to me, "Can you feel my heart beating for you?"

************************

In the days since then, when I feel tired and weary and like no one cares, I go back and simply reach out my hand to touch the Father's heart, and once again all is right with my world because I KNOW I am Perfectly Loved!

Defining Truth

There were two things I heard yesterday that struck me as significant. 

The first was this: "Your past doesn't disqualify you, it prepares you." The second was a song called "God Is In This Story I've been thinking a lot about these and it has stirred a lot of hope inside. What does God see in my story? All the pain, tears, broken dreams, wasted years, loneliness, regrets intertwined with love, kindness, compassion, tenderness, comfort and caring. What if He is using it to prepare me for the next thing? 

It is important to make peace with the past so I can move on, because I will still be living in the past until I do. I might try to forget it and stuff the pain deep, deep down inside but it will always appear sooner or later in weird and unexpected ways. As I let pain go, it makes room for love. And God's love, I've found, is big enough to embrace us all! I like what He said to me, "Simply live in the love I have for you today. Love never runs out. There is an endless supply."

So I've been looking for love...the love that has always been there but so often I have missed. 

God is in my story and that's what makes it so beautiful, for where God is, there is love.

                      "Your past doesn't disqualify you, it prepares you."

The Process

The other day a friend asked me how I'm doing. I was a bit surprised by my reply and have been pondering it ever since. This is what I said: "You know, life doesn't always turn out like you expect, but I'm learning to trust the Father's heart for me even in the things I don't understand." Learning is a key word here. I haven't, by any means, arrived. 

A big question I've had recently is concerning the goodness of God. Sure, that's what everyone says and that's what the Bible says so just believe it and get on with life. Never-mind about the dreams that haven't come true, the sickness that still isn't healed, the loved ones that have died, the relationships that are rocky, the broken heart, the loneliness and pain, regrets from the past...the list could go on and on. You fill in the blanks. 

This morning I was listening to Steffany Getzinger on Process, Revelation and Growth. God is with me in the process. He is not put off by my process. He loves me even when I don't believe that He's good. Not that I don't want to believe but sometimes I simply don't. 

And I often pray for God to show me His goodness in the everyday things of life. And He does. The things He knows really matter to me, the things that my little heart needs. Being seen and valued, words of affirmation, being taught, feeling wanted, connection. Comfort, being with, compassion. As I give those things to myself I see them coming all around from others and I know it's God using people to show me His love and goodness. 

This song says it all: How Far

- Still in Process

Two Stories, One Baby Girl

There was a chill in the air as the little family started for church that Sunday morning. Daddy, Mommy, Big Sister, Big Brother and 2-year-old Baby Girl. There wasn't much talk as the 15 miles dropped away, but instead a certain tension and uneasiness that Baby Girl felt but didn't know why. As they arrived at church, she heard arguing coming from the front seat. Mommy, who hadn't felt well that morning, was saying how she wished she could've stayed home to rest and Daddy was saying how important it is to go to church, no matter what. Baby Girl felt fear rise up within her along with many questions. If I was sick would I be taken care of? Does it matter how I feel?

***************************

Another Sunday morning dawned with the sun shining brightly. Baby Girl bounced out of bed, excited to go to church that day. But then Daddy came and said that Mommy wasn't feeling well and they were going to all stay home, but it didn't matter because Jesus would be with them wherever they were. 

Daddy then proceeded to send Mommy back to bed. He softly closed the door and then helped Baby Girl get dressed. He got out the box of Cheerios and poured some milk. Big Sister and Big Brother came and joined her at the table. Daddy cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes, singing all the while. When he was done he softly stole back into the bedroom to see if Mommy needed anything. He sat by her bedside and took her hand. She gave him a weak smile and settled back against the pillows. Baby Girl peeked in the doorway. Daddy saw and beckoned her to come sit on his lap. She ran and gave him a big hug. Then she climbed into bed and snuggled up with Mommy. Her little heart felt happy, safe, cared for and loved.

****************************

And now... Baby Girl is grown and knows she is safe, cared for, loved. And... she is happy. 

This Thing Called Love

We all want it, but even more, we all NEED it and yet it seems so illusive and everyone has a different definition of what love is. I'm not going to try and define it for you, only give you a glimpse of what it is to me. 

I try really hard to get things "right" because when I don't meet my own standards of "rightness" I feel all this shame, like I'm a bad person and that I can never get it "right." Neither do I know what to do when others get mad at me, so I try even harder not to make a mistake. 

This week, in spite of my best efforts, I "messed up." It did not leave me with a good feeling and I just wanted to cry and crawl in a hole and hide  Okay, that isn't just what I wanted to do, it's basically what I did. However, I heard duty calling and couldn't stay there, so I washed my face and hoped no one would look too closely and see I had been crying. (You know that feeling of wanting to be seen and yet not!) 

But when the person returned they didn't get mad and neither did they ignore me. Instead, they kindly took me aside and we actually talked about what happened. I got to say my side of the story and ask what I could've done differently and they told me why they prefer what they do. It made sense. They said we all make mistakes but we do our best and that's good enough. Now I've heard that before but I don't think I've ever experienced it so clearly.

It really is okay to make mistakes. It really is okay. It really, really is okay! Okay to make mistakes! Really??!! I think it's this thing called unconditional love. I will love you NO MATTER WHAT. Even if you are a mess, even if you make a mistake, even if you don't have everything figured out. 

And I'm finding the hardest place to give that love is to ME... I don't have it all figured out, some days I am a mess and I make mistakes but still I love me cause I am worthy of love just for who I am, not for what I do. 

He Who Promised...

 ... is faithful.

My heart feels full today as I look back over the last 8 years, embrace this week of rest and reflection, and look forward to the excitement and opportunities of a new job starting next week. 

How do I walk away from something I've know for 8 years? Something that felt comfortable and known and gave me a sense of security. 

Working for a growing business has its own challenges. I saw many people come and many people go and some that stayed constant the whole time. There were many days I fought to get all the work done, but it was interspersed with fun, laughter and teasing (of which I gave and received my share!). Good food was definitely a part of the experience - treats brought to celebrate birthdays, donuts (my favorite) made by an employee's wife and generously shared, holiday goodies from vendors, chocolates (by the boxful!), and the list could go on...

I learned much over the years in relationships. In an office of more than a dozen people, primarily men, there were many challenges. Learning to work together as a team, to value others input but also not be afraid to give my own. To be able to give and take, know what was my responsibility and what wasn't, to hear the other person's heart and also share mine. I've learned (and am still learning) to value the men in my life and the goodness they have to offer. 

And now I'm moving on... not without some sadness for the good things I'm leaving behind but also with excitement for the good things God has for me in the next phase of my journey. 

He who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23

P.S. And today I'm eating pancakes, eggs and bacon for breakfast, baking bread, ignoring the clock and listening to I Hope You Dance!

He Knows

I haven't written much in recent months, not because nothing is going on, but because there is so much I don't know how to put into words. 

I was reminded this morning of the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15. The Father saw him a long way off and ran, hugged and kissed him! He didn't listen to the son's feeble attempts to explain that he wasn't worthy to be his son. He brought out the best robe and killed the fatted calf. So, so much love! Neither did he ask him what he had been doing all the time he was gone or how he had spent his money. 

I think we underestimate the Father's love for us. 

This last week was exhausting with lots of changes and new things but I felt the Father's love so strongly. I felt his approval. Like the song says, "There's no accusation or any condemnation when I look into the Father's eyes..."

*************************

One evening a friend stopped by unexpectedly. She came in the door and handed me a gift bag with a heart and my name written upon it. I was curious and immediately peeked inside. Something purple! This has got to be good!:) With delight I pulled out a spring jacket, the kind I'd been looking for for years! My friend said God told her that jacket was mine. She didn't know if I needed a jacket or not, or what size I wear (she did, however, know my favorite color!). 

We sat down to talk. Celebrating the good things - whooping and hollering and laughing! About the hard things - crying and praying and hugs. And she looked me in the eyes and said the words I've longed to hear my whole life, "I'm so proud of you!"

And I'm sitting here crying again because He knows, He really knows exactly what I need.