Immeasurably More!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Eph. 3:20

He doesn't only give us what we ask for, but immeasurably more than we could even imagine!

(This is a followup from the previous post "Confidence in Asking", so you'll want to read that one, as well!)

Confidence in Asking

There are many times in the Scripture that God tells as to ask for things. It feels like God has been highlighting this to me. Somehow I just want him to give me stuff without me asking. It can feel really vulnerable to ask for something, especially if it is a very deep desire in my heart.  However, there are different times, that is actually the one condition of being able to receive. 

"Ask and it will be given to you... for everyone who asks receives..." 

Matthew 7:7a & 8a

"If you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" 

Matthew 7:11

I think one thing, is to be confident that God wants to give me good things! He has set me up for success. He is not holding out on me. It doesn't depend on performance or me being "good enough". 

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I noticed some time ago that one of the keys on my keyboard at work was worn off. It didn't seem like a big deal, so I kept using it. However, the other day I realized there were now 4 keys with the letters worn off. I thought, Maybe it's time to get a new keyboard. There was still some question in my mind as to whether or not I should ask for one. It still really worked quite well and didn't really bother me unless I actually looked at the keys and had to think twice to remember what letter that was supposed to be. So I thought about it for a few days and decided it doesn't hurt to ask. But even as I was asking, I kind of had this fear that I was asking for too much, which was quite obvious in the way I asked (at least to me). 

I was rather surprised when my manager said that he thought it was past time to get a new one! We then looked at extra keyboards we had on hand to see if anything would work, but he also gave me permission to get a new one if nothing there suited my needs. I actually really liked the style of the one I had and was pleased to find one exactly like it. However, when it was hooked up I discovered there were some keys sticking, which is probably why it was retired to the back room. This I did not like. I was disappointed but not in despair, as I knew I could order a new one. So I asked for the old one back until such a time as a new one could be ordered. But, in the meantime, a coworker, being the ingenious guy that he is, decided to trade out the offending keys with the other keyboard keys that were perfectly fine and now we all are happy!

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Be brave! Be bold! Ask for what you need, out of confidence that you have a good Father who delights to give you what you ask for!

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." 

Hebrews 4:16 NIV

Not Disappointed

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." 

Proverbs 13:12 NIV

I have a lot of things running around in my head, so I guess I'll see if I can put it down in a way that makes sense. As Pooh Bear would say... sometimes things that sound good in your head feel differently when they are out there and have everyone looking at them (or something like that). 

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I don't know all the details of how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, but I do know that for a time it is in a cocoon and has to go through a process before it emerges. I also know that "helping" the butterfly out of the cocoon before the process is complete, doesn't turn out very well.  

I was thinking about this in relation to seasons of waiting. I felt like I needed a shift in perspective. One thing I found helpful was to think about how God is using this time to prepare and strengthen me for what is to come. Instead of feeling like God has forgotten me, he doesn't care and that he is holding out on me, I want it to be a time of expectation, excitement and hope as I see his goodness and specific ways that he is preparing me. 

Here are some of the things that I am learning:

1.    How to face fears, instead of avoid them.

2.    Understand why I do what I do.

3.    Quit judging myself.

4.    Acknowledge pain and let love in.  

4.    Do healthy conflict.

5.    Recognize triggers.

6.    God's goodness is about him, not me.   

7.    Love can't  be earned.

Through this process God is restoring & healing relationship with myself, him and others. There is also a power, confidence and peace that I've never had before. 

At times I weep because the waiting feels hard, but still I know I am held...

"...then you will know that I am the Lord, those who hope in me will not be disappointed." 

Isaiah 49:23b

You Will Always Be

Fear has played a pretty big part in my life. I've known that for a long time, but it has felt so big and overwhelming I didn't even know how to confront it. This is something that God has been patiently working on with me. He told me, some months back, to let go of the fear and open my heart to receive love. This is something we've had many conversations about. 

One of my fears, that is very deep, and goes way back, is the fear that I won't be taken care of. A situation came up this week that pressed hard on that deep pain in my heart. I KNEW, in my head, that I would be taken care of, but I just couldn't seem to get it to my heart. 

One night I came home and sat and wept and wept and just sat with that little girl that didn't think she'd be taken care of. There was this song I had on repeat that I listened to until I felt it deep inside, that it was true. This says it better than I can. You can listen to it here: Fall on Me by NeedtoBreathe. 

Here is a snatch of it:

You were there to pick me up

And tell me I was good enough

It doesn't matter what I've done

You pull me closer

The highs and lows and in-betweens

You're the one that's there for me

When I hurt and when I bleed

You make it better

You make it better. 

You will always be

You will always be

The one that I can call

The safest place to fall

For me

When I can't stand

When I can't stand.

The next day I got hit again and had to cry some more, and I put this song on repeat again. I may still feel that fear, but I know I've found a deeper place of knowing - that I will be taken care of. 

Living My Best Life

Occasionally, memories come up on Facebook and I think, It sounds like I was having a lot of fun back then. And then I wonder, Why am I not having fun now, or am I?

The other day I wrote in my journal, "I feel like I'm living my best life." I don't even know what the situation was that made me write that, but since then I have pondered what "my best life" means. 

Some of the things I would use to describe it are these:

-    a heart at rest

-    knowing I'm loved

-    emotional health

-    healthy relationships

-    at peace within myself

-    feeling safe

-    living in the moment and enjoying it

-    laughter

-    someone to be with me in my pain (that could be myself, God or others)

-    freedom to be me (with all the good, messy & beautiful!)

-    slowing down

This is not a comprehensive list and I have not, by any means, attained all of these, but I have, if only for a brief moment, experienced them in some form or other.

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The other week I came across this picture that is a throw-back to 30-plus years ago. I pulled it out and set it on my desk, because it captures a day in which I was really enjoying life. 

An old-time friend had come to visit and some of her siblings, cousins and I went to The Thousand Islands on the New York/Canadian border. It was a fun day! We toured Boldt Castle, went on a ferry ride (that messed my hair), and I got to work on my tan. I may or may not have howled with laughter when a seagull pooped on my friend's head. As I recall, I got to have off from the evening milking (which was a rare occurrence!), so we went out to eat for supper in Watertown.  I might add, that the pleasure of the day was enhanced for me, due to the fact that my friend had a brother and there was some mutual attraction between us. 

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All that being said, enjoying life today is more about sleeping in on the weekend, watching "Sue Thomas FBI" movies, playing with Daisy (Ann's dog), helping Ann pick cherries, eating ice cream with coworkers, conspiring with a coworker to play pranks on the boss, listening with compassion to tales of woe, rejoicing in the good news of a friend, and sitting on the front porch with the breeze gently blowing (well, in KS you might call that a gale!). 

I'm not sure how to end this so I guess I'll just go on living my best life!

My Perspective on Mother's Day

Mother's Day has come and gone for another year. It doesn't always strike me the same way and this year was distinctly different in several respects. 

I was thinking of Mom on Mother's Day, although it is now 5 years since she went to heaven. I loved her dearly, but in the journey of emotional healing I've been on, I've had to face some of the ways that Mom missed me. However, that morning I was asking God to bring to mind specific times when I felt loved by her, which he did. From there it went to memories of times that other women have "mothered" me. A hug, a smile, letting me talk, crying with me, praying for me, believing in me, including me in their families, etc. I felt the love seeping in to the very core of my being. The vast richness of God's provision for me. No, my Mom didn't give me everything I needed, for no one person can do that, but God in his infinite love had others along the way to fill in the gaps. 

And then the other side of the coin that has also felt painful at times of never having children of my own. That morning in church there was an acknowledgement that Mother's Day can be hard depending on your situation. I felt that sadness rise up and had to grieve that loss, but then I had this picture of being handed all these babies and I was reminded of all the children I had the privilege of "mothering", whether for a moment, a day or months. The best and most significant one was being a nanny for triplets for one school year. How special to "mother" those 3 little boys at the most tender, vulnerable time of their life! Then there were nieces and nephews, children of co-workers, children on the mission field, my friends children and many more. And these verses came to mind in Isaiah 49: 

"Then you will say in your heart: Who has borne me these? I was bereaved and barren, exiled and put away, but who has brought up these? Behold I was left alone; from where have these come? Thus says the Lord God...they shall bring your sons in their arms and your daughters shall be carried on their shoulders...then you will know that I am the Lord; those who wait for me shall not be disappointed."

So whatever your Mother's Day was like I pray that God met you there as he did me. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to those of you that have "mothered" me and those that have let me be part of "mothering" your children.

Strong As Death

"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death. Jealousy is fierce as the grave. It's flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord." 

Song of Solomon 8:6 ESV

The study note says: Love, like death, is relentlessly persistent, always accomplishing its goal. 

Seal: assigned ownership of an object; a device or substance that is used to join two things together so as to prevent them from coming apart or to prevent anything from passing between them. 

Jealousy: resolute devotion

To think this is how God loves me, brings me to tears. It's hard to describe this kind of love in words. It's something I have to experience. 

Although, I say I want to be loved, there are times I find myself pushing love away and running the other direction. It might be because of fear or shame. It might be because I feel I'm not worthy of love, something I did that would make Him quit loving me. But that "thing" is actually the very reason He died for me. He doesn't love me less, He loves me more. There is absolutely no way to earn His love. It is simply mine for the taking. 

"My Beloved speaks and says to me, Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away." 

Song of Solomon 2:10