The Compassion Method vs. Narcissism

The Compassion Method has a self-focus that is not to be confused with narcissism.

Narcissism is an inflated sense of self-importance, excessive self-focus, constant need for admiration, entitlement, and significant lack of empathy for others feelings, often at their expense. (I don't like labels and I would suggest that someone who fits this description simply has unmet needs and unresolved pain.)

The Compassion Method, on the other hand, teaches you to be self-aware, how to work through triggers, and discover your true self. When you understand what is going on inside of you and why, it brings the clarity to get legitimate needs met and find healing for your heart. When you feel loved and taken care of is when you have compassion to give to others. Knowing your true self doesn't bring with it arrogance, entitlement, or belittling others, but rather the opposite. When your needs are met you are clear-minded, tender-hearted, and at peace. 

Many people desperately want to be seen, heard, accepted, and valued. They try, all day long, to give and get it from others and in the process neglect the one who really needs it - themselves. It doesn't mean you are more important than anyone else, but just as important. Putting aside judgment and self-criticism enables you to see yourself as a real human being in need of love. 

Here is a personal example: 

Christmas, we think, should be happy and joyful and lots of fun! Good connections and warm, cozy feelings with family and friends. However, when I woke up Christmas morning I didn't feel any of those things. Instead there was a certain sadness I couldn't seem to shake. The tears rolled down my cheeks unchecked. No amount of telling myself how good my life is and how much I have to be thankful for made any difference. After awhile I wiped the tears away, washed my face and "put on" a smile, bravely going out to engage in Christmas festivities. The day wasn't awful, but neither did it feel very satisfying. As soon as I walked in that evening the tears started again. Then I knew there was a "little girl" that needed some attention. Instead of shaming my "little girl" for feeling sad I took some time to sit with her. To see her, hear her, value her. I told her that how she feels is important to me. The next day I felt totally different! I felt happy inside! I was seen, loved, valued!

This can be you, too! If you want someone to walk with you and help you understand the process, you can contact me at pollymarie2003@gmail.com or 620-200-1279. Also, check out previous posts to learn more about "Polly Marie Consulting" (using The Compassion Method). 

To Be Taught

To Be Taught: belief you can figure it out, self-confidence, safety in mistakes. 

The other day I was observing a father with his young daughter, whom he had asked to do the dishes. 

He ran the water until it was hot and gave it a squirt of dish-washing soap. The suds came up and filled the sink. She bravely started in swishing, scrubbing, and rubbing the dirty dishes until they shone, placing them in the other sink to await rinsing. Meanwhile "Dad" went off to do other things. Before long he was back to see how things were progressing. He stood beside her with quiet encouragement, as he rinsed the sink full of dishes and placed them in the drying rack. There was a certain camaraderie and closeness, even without much being said. I felt a bit wistful as I watched them working side by side. 

To me it is a picture of the Father. When he has a task for us he doesn't just expect us to know how and do it on our own. He makes sure we understand what is expected and have everything we need. He has confidence in our ability to do the job, and doesn't need to constantly be looking over our shoulder. On the other hand, he is checking in with words of encouragement and isn't beneath lending a helping hand.

He loves process because he is relational and the more time we get to spend together the better. He is the best teacher and he does it by walking alongside and working together with us. 

As a child I didn't learn self-confidence, that it was okay to make mistakes, or that I had the ability to figure things out, but thanks to The Compassion Method I am learning it now. Compassion means "being with" and that is the very nature of the Father. As I learn to "be with" myself in the mistakes and messiness of life, I can then experience the beauty that God created me for. 

To Be Heard

What does it look like to be heard? One of the things I think of is to be understood. As I was reading in Psalms 139 this morning that was really highlighted to me.

"...you understand my every thought before it even enters my mind." Ps. 139:2b (TPT)

"...your understanding of me brings me wonder and strength." Ps. 139:6b (TPT)

I also thought of this verse in Isaiah:

"...He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. Isa. 40:28b (NIV)

There are many times we may feel misunderstood. Here are a few examples.

-    You get angry when someone cuts you off in traffic. What if... it's only because you're scared and it feels unsafe?

-    You get mad when you lose a game. What if... it's only because you feel disappointed in yourself, like you're not smart enough, and are "less than"?

-    You overeat. What if... it's not because you don't have self-control, but rather that you are feeling sad and lonely that no one noticed you at church that day?

-    You are extra quiet in a group. What if... it's only because you feel unsafe and fear being criticized?

When I feel misunderstood by others it often is more about not understanding myself. At times I even think that God doesn't understand me, but if you read the verses again at the beginning of this post, you will see that He does. Understanding why you do the things you do is the start to drastically changing your life! If you'd like help to bring more understanding to your heart please reach out to me at Polly Marie Consulting - pollymarie2003@gmail.com or text 620-200-1279. 

To Be Seen

"Every single moment you are thinking of me." 

Psalms 139:17 TPT

There are 10 basic emotional needs that every child has. 

1.    Being Seen

2.    Being Heard

3.    Being Accepted

4.    To be Played With

5.    To be Taught

6.    To be Protected

7.    To be Provided For

8.    To Know You Are Enough

9.    Being Valued

10.    Affection

This list is not conclusive and these things may mean different things to different people, but it has been helpful for me to identify legitimate needs. When these are missing in your childhood, it can negatively affect you as an adult.

Today I'd like to talk about being seen. (I may write about some of the others in future posts.)

I have a friend who sees me well. When she walks in there is a huge smile on her face and she gives me a big hug. She listens well to what I have to say, not only with her head, but with her heart. There is plenty of time. There is no judgment or criticism. She may just sit with me or offer wise council, when needed. I feel wanted, safe, cared for, comforted, and valued. I feel seen. 

You may not have felt "seen" as a child, but the good news is that you can go back for that child. It starts with you seeing you, the true self that has only been covered up by pain and unmet needs. If you would like to learn more about the process email Polly Marie Consulting - pollymarie2003@gmail.com.

You Didn't Miss It - the Door is Open...

 Come on in, the door is open... take a look inside...

A couple days ago my sister and I got a tour of our old home place when we were children. The walk down memory lane was very interesting!  I thought about how it looked when we lived there and took note of the upgrades. 

Back in the day, I thought it was a pretty nice house! Dad had a new basement put in so we moved the original house a short distance and then he bought a kitchen from the neighbors and added that on. We redid a lot of the walls with sheet rock, paint, and paneling. I thought the grey paneling in my bedroom was so cool. (That room has not been updated and I loved seeing it again!) The church down the road was upgrading their carpets, so we got some remnants to use in the bedrooms. The living room had a beautiful, brown, shag carpet. We had a new 2-car garage built and that was our bedroom for a time while the house was in the remodeling stages. I thought it was cool to sleep in the garage! The outside of the house was painted a lovely, pale green.

But now, the front door goes into the dining room instead of the living room (see picture above). They tore out some walls to enlarge the kitchen. The basement stairs go down from the kitchen, instead of just inside the garage. They tore out one old bathroom and put in a new one more centrally located. The stairs going up have a beautiful banister. The basement has been finished out with a large family room, 2 bedrooms and a bathroom. They put in central heat and air! (Back in my day we had fans, or we hung out in the unfinished basement.) This is just a glimpse of some of the changes. Walking through the house that day I wondered what it would have been like to live there with all the updates.  

This is a picture of my life. There have been many things that have happened through the years, some very beautiful, some not so great. At times I think I just missed it. It was just within my grasp, but it slipped away. Someone else got what I wanted. But I'm learning how to go back for me. If you would've shown me this picture of the door, I would've had no idea that something so beautiful came out of my childhood home. In spite of everything I've been through, there is beauty for me today. And there is beauty for you, as well! You didn't miss it!

P.S. If you're afraid there isn't beauty inside, I'd love to walk through that door with you and prove you wrong! Check out previous posts to learn more about Polly Marie Consulting and email me at pollymarie2003@gmail to book your session. 

Far or Near I'm Here for You

Polly Marie Consulting - Free to Be, Just Me 

I don't have a website just yet, so here is what I'm currently offering for one hour consulting sessions. 

Free 15-minute consultation (if you aren't familiar with The Compassion Method and want a snapshot of how it works).

Buy one, get one free! ($60 total)

One hour session at half price - just $30! (Regular $60) For a limited time only!

Or try a package deal - 6)1 hour sessions for only $150.

Sessions are online or in-person, so distance isn't an issue!

Feel free to contact me at: pollymarie2003@gmail.com. 

**************

It's so fun to walk with people on this journey of discovering their true self. What you do matters, but you matter more. What you do is not who you are. You are worthy of love, no matter what!

The Story of Two Cars

 Many years ago, in 2008 to be exact, I was looking for a car. I had just moved back from OH and was also looking for a job. One day I got a job and the next day I went out and bought a car. A 2004 Chevy Impala. It was much newer and shinier back then! 

I've never been really fond of car shopping and in those days I didn't really have anyone to go with me. So I went out by my lonesome. I drove around to the dealerships in Hutch, not knowing what I was looking for. I hadn't done any research, but when I saw this one I liked it! (I am partial to certain colors and styles.) I took it for a spin and drove it by my mechanic to have him look it over. Everything checked out and that night I went home with a new car! I was elated, to say the least!

It has served me well, over all, aside from a pesky starter issue that haunted me for years and didn't seem to have any resolution. And, after 17 years with 225,000 miles, I decided it might be time to start the search for a new one. Unfortunately, this search did not go quickly like the last one. In fact, I would say it started a couple years ago with varying degrees of persistence. 

That new car seemed quite elusive! I talked with different people, had a guy looking for me, prayed long and hard, did research, asked friends to pray, all to no avail, it seemed. And I worried, and worried some more. What if my car gives out before I find another one? What if it leaves me set? What if I have to put a lot more money into it?

Then one day I was directed to ask another friend to help me in my search. He was delighted to help me out and went at it with a vengeance. He found one in Olathe that seemed like a good option but was above my price range. He worked with the salesman to bring the price down. At last it was at a price I was willing to pay, but still I wasn't sure about driving 3 hours by myself to get it. So I said I'm not interested. 

However, a week later as I was praying about this car issue I felt like I was to reach back out and see if this car was still available. It was! I wanted to go that day, but had to arrange to get off work and that didn't happen till 2 days later. Would the car still be there?? I felt strongly that if it was for me, it would be, but, oh the suspense in the meantime!

The night before I was scheduled to go I talked with the salesman and he said it was still available. Half an hour later he texted me and said someone else was interested and they were taking it home overnight and would decide in the morning. The next morning he texted me and said their financing didn't go through so it was still fair game!

A coworker offered to go with me and we took off with high hopes. I let him take the wheel and settled back to enjoy the ride. The 3-hour drive was spent in friendly chatter as the miles melted away behind us. Before I knew it we were pulling in to the dealership. It was love at first sight! We took it for a spin, sealed the deal, and that night I drove it home - smiling all the way! A 2022 Toyota Camry!

And those are my "God" stories of my 2 cars! They are very different and yet so good. God likes to work with processes. I don't always understand the way He works, but I can be confident He is working whether it takes one day or years. 

I really liked my first car and loved that I found it in one day, but there is something about the long process of finding this one, that made me feel really, really loved and cared for when it did come. 

So don't despair. Keep trusting the process! It may not look like you think, but in the end it will be much better than you ever imagined!

Trusting the Process

P.S. I wouldn't have had to worry about selling my old one, either. Two days later it was sold and gone with more money in my pocket than I ever expected to get out of it. I must say I shed a few tears as it drove away. Saying goodbye to a 17-yr old friend pulls on the heart strings.