How Much More

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him." Matt. 7:11

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There once was a little girl who lived in the country with her mom and dad, two sisters and one brother. One cold winter morning she awoke with a sense of excitement inside! Today was her 6th birthday! She bounced out of bed and ran into the kitchen where mom was making pancakes - her favorite breakfast. The others were already seated around the breakfast table and greeted her with a chorus of "Happy Birthday"! There was happy chatter and laughter as the food rapidly disappeared. 

After a bit dad stepped out the back door and soon returned with a big grin, wheeling in the most beautiful, light green bicycle with a red bow cheerily waving from the handlebars. The little girl squealed with delight, her eyes sparkling! A brand-new bike all her own! She couldn't believe it! She ran to give her daddy a hug. He laughed and tossed her up in the air. Then he set her, ever so carefully, on the bicycle seat. His hands were strong and steady on the handlebars as he showed her how to pedal and wheeled her around the room. The others clapped, cheering her on! 

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You guessed it! The little girl was me (imagination used to fill in the details)! A new bike for my birthday was a big deal! Money was tight in those days and we didn't generally get big birthday gifts. In fact, I can't really remember any other birthday gifts, although I'm sure I got some.

So if my dad knew how to give good gifts to me (the kind that my little heart desired and made my eyes sparkle), how much more will the Father in heaven give good gifts to his children! Believe and receive it today!

See, the winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come. SS 2:11-12

Until It's Good

 I love these lines from "Fear Is Not My Future" by Brandon Lake:

Let him turn it in your favor, 

Watch him work it for your good,

He's not done with what he started,

He's not done until it's good...

I was thinking back over my life this morning, the ways in which God has interwoven his love throughout my story. Every step along the way he has used to bring me to the place I am now. I began thanking him for the beauty in my story. Love comes in many and varied ways.

It may come in the form of a bright-eyed 6-year-old whose happy little voice fills the office. The days she gets to come to work with daddy are her delight, where she doesn't have to vie for his attention with other siblings. She says, "Good Morning, Pauline"! and runs to give me a hug. She chatters to me as I work. We eat lunch together. The shredder gets more use than average. She loves helping me with a small project. She shows me her art kit and what she is learning in her gymnastics class. It does my heart good, but I'm taken off guard by the sadness I feel. The loss of never having a little girl of my own. Through the tears, I let the healing come, so I can fully embrace the goodness of today. 

He will keep working with me as long as it takes, for me to understand his love. I know Love will never leave. And in the places that don't feel good, it only means he's not done yet. 

Wanted

I want to feel wanted.

This came up for me the other day when I was talking with a friend that is dating. I realized that one of the big reasons for wanting to get married is so that I will feel wanted. I think that is very normal to want to feel wanted, but what is keeping me from knowing that I am wanted? Do I want me?

In the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15 it says that the Father saw the son a long way off, and ran to meet him, and embraced and kissed him. He was watching for the slightest turn towards him and then he took off running. I think we underestimate how much the Father wants us. And he's not looking for perfection. He doesn't say that once you get your act together then I'll consider letting you in. Or, if you do everything just right, never get angry, or offended, or sick, or discouraged, or disappointed. If you go to church every Sunday and pray every day and volunteer for anything and everything. If you always spend your money wisely and never eat just to get comfort. 

What if he is simply saying, "Come and sit with me, my Child. I want to walk with you in the process. I want you to know my heart and how good I am. I want to give you the desires of your heart. I like you even in the journey that feels messy, hard, confusing, disappointing and frustrating. I love your heart and how you are running hard after me, but if you stop for a moment you will see that my love is running after you. Every morning I'm waiting for you to wake up - to look into your eyes, brush the hair from your forehead, smile with delight. I love to sit down and eat with you and see you enjoying your food. I'm by your side throughout the day making sure you have everything you need. I tuck you in at night with a hug and a kiss. I'm ministering to your spirit even as you sleep."

"My Beloved speaks and says to me: Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away." SS 2:10

As I realize again how much the Father wants me, it is also very critical that I want me. If I don't like myself, I have a very hard time believing that other people, or even God, like/want me. At times it's important to say, "Pauline, I want you. I'm glad you're here!"

The Sickness With No Name

Sunday morning walk. Cool breeze, warm sunshine. Friendly horse asking for a pat on the nose. Bouquet of zinnias. Deep thoughts...

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The other day I was listening to an interview of Mia Fields on Heart of Dating. I am going to reference some things she said, but you can also listen to it here: Crazy Faith to Believe That God Can Do It. This is specifically about dating, but I believe it applies to anything that God has promised you that hasn't happened yet. 

There was a point in Mia's life where she felt like God had been faithful and come through for her in every area except one, and that was romantic relationships. One day God said to her that he wants to heal the "Sickness with No Name". He went on to talk to her about disappointment and how it is like a cancer that eats away at you. This struck me very deeply, as I have felt some really huge disappointments in my life. 

Here are a few quotes from Mia: 

-    You're never going to be so disappointed that I (God) can't go deeper and heal that. 

-    Disappointment is a filter that says things are not going to work out. 

-    Faith is being convinced that God is as good as he says he is. 

Here are a few things to help you get through:

-    Pray from a promise

-    Celebrate things well

-    Look for evidence of what God is doing, not what he isn't doing

-    You are never out of options with God

-    Give yourself permission to cry and be sad

She talked about the verse in Jeremiah 29:11 where it says that God has good plans for you, but she went on to say, and he wants to let you in on them. Then God gave her a vision of a furniture warehouse with custom-made furniture. God said she could have any one she wanted, but when she said she wanted to partner with God, he said he would custom-make one (husband) for her, but custom-made takes longer. 

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Just before this I was doing a study on God's faithfulness. The verse I kept hearing over and over was: "...those who hope in me will not be disappointed." If you need a promise to cling to, take that one. Let hope arise! He who promised is faithful!

Immeasurably More!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Eph. 3:20

He doesn't only give us what we ask for, but immeasurably more than we could even imagine!

(This is a followup from the previous post "Confidence in Asking", so you'll want to read that one, as well!)

Confidence in Asking

There are many times in the Scripture that God tells as to ask for things. It feels like God has been highlighting this to me. Somehow I just want him to give me stuff without me asking. It can feel really vulnerable to ask for something, especially if it is a very deep desire in my heart.  However, there are different times, that is actually the one condition of being able to receive. 

"Ask and it will be given to you... for everyone who asks receives..." 

Matthew 7:7a & 8a

"If you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" 

Matthew 7:11

I think one thing, is to be confident that God wants to give me good things! He has set me up for success. He is not holding out on me. It doesn't depend on performance or me being "good enough". 

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I noticed some time ago that one of the keys on my keyboard at work was worn off. It didn't seem like a big deal, so I kept using it. However, the other day I realized there were now 4 keys with the letters worn off. I thought, Maybe it's time to get a new keyboard. There was still some question in my mind as to whether or not I should ask for one. It still really worked quite well and didn't really bother me unless I actually looked at the keys and had to think twice to remember what letter that was supposed to be. So I thought about it for a few days and decided it doesn't hurt to ask. But even as I was asking, I kind of had this fear that I was asking for too much, which was quite obvious in the way I asked (at least to me). 

I was rather surprised when my manager said that he thought it was past time to get a new one! We then looked at extra keyboards we had on hand to see if anything would work, but he also gave me permission to get a new one if nothing there suited my needs. I actually really liked the style of the one I had and was pleased to find one exactly like it. However, when it was hooked up I discovered there were some keys sticking, which is probably why it was retired to the back room. This I did not like. I was disappointed but not in despair, as I knew I could order a new one. So I asked for the old one back until such a time as a new one could be ordered. But, in the meantime, a coworker, being the ingenious guy that he is, decided to trade out the offending keys with the other keyboard keys that were perfectly fine and now we all are happy!

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Be brave! Be bold! Ask for what you need, out of confidence that you have a good Father who delights to give you what you ask for!

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." 

Hebrews 4:16 NIV

Not Disappointed

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." 

Proverbs 13:12 NIV

I have a lot of things running around in my head, so I guess I'll see if I can put it down in a way that makes sense. As Pooh Bear would say... sometimes things that sound good in your head feel differently when they are out there and have everyone looking at them (or something like that). 

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I don't know all the details of how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, but I do know that for a time it is in a cocoon and has to go through a process before it emerges. I also know that "helping" the butterfly out of the cocoon before the process is complete, doesn't turn out very well.  

I was thinking about this in relation to seasons of waiting. I felt like I needed a shift in perspective. One thing I found helpful was to think about how God is using this time to prepare and strengthen me for what is to come. Instead of feeling like God has forgotten me, he doesn't care and that he is holding out on me, I want it to be a time of expectation, excitement and hope as I see his goodness and specific ways that he is preparing me. 

Here are some of the things that I am learning:

1.    How to face fears, instead of avoid them.

2.    Understand why I do what I do.

3.    Quit judging myself.

4.    Acknowledge pain and let love in.  

4.    Do healthy conflict.

5.    Recognize triggers.

6.    God's goodness is about him, not me.   

7.    Love can't  be earned.

Through this process God is restoring & healing relationship with myself, him and others. There is also a power, confidence and peace that I've never had before. 

At times I weep because the waiting feels hard, but still I know I am held...

"...then you will know that I am the Lord, those who hope in me will not be disappointed." 

Isaiah 49:23b

You Will Always Be

Fear has played a pretty big part in my life. I've known that for a long time, but it has felt so big and overwhelming I didn't even know how to confront it. This is something that God has been patiently working on with me. He told me, some months back, to let go of the fear and open my heart to receive love. This is something we've had many conversations about. 

One of my fears, that is very deep, and goes way back, is the fear that I won't be taken care of. A situation came up this week that pressed hard on that deep pain in my heart. I KNEW, in my head, that I would be taken care of, but I just couldn't seem to get it to my heart. 

One night I came home and sat and wept and wept and just sat with that little girl that didn't think she'd be taken care of. There was this song I had on repeat that I listened to until I felt it deep inside, that it was true. This says it better than I can. You can listen to it here: Fall on Me by NeedtoBreathe. 

Here is a snatch of it:

You were there to pick me up

And tell me I was good enough

It doesn't matter what I've done

You pull me closer

The highs and lows and in-betweens

You're the one that's there for me

When I hurt and when I bleed

You make it better

You make it better. 

You will always be

You will always be

The one that I can call

The safest place to fall

For me

When I can't stand

When I can't stand.

The next day I got hit again and had to cry some more, and I put this song on repeat again. I may still feel that fear, but I know I've found a deeper place of knowing - that I will be taken care of. 

Living My Best Life

Occasionally, memories come up on Facebook and I think, It sounds like I was having a lot of fun back then. And then I wonder, Why am I not having fun now, or am I?

The other day I wrote in my journal, "I feel like I'm living my best life." I don't even know what the situation was that made me write that, but since then I have pondered what "my best life" means. 

Some of the things I would use to describe it are these:

-    a heart at rest

-    knowing I'm loved

-    emotional health

-    healthy relationships

-    at peace within myself

-    feeling safe

-    living in the moment and enjoying it

-    laughter

-    someone to be with me in my pain (that could be myself, God or others)

-    freedom to be me (with all the good, messy & beautiful!)

-    slowing down

This is not a comprehensive list and I have not, by any means, attained all of these, but I have, if only for a brief moment, experienced them in some form or other.

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The other week I came across this picture that is a throw-back to 30-plus years ago. I pulled it out and set it on my desk, because it captures a day in which I was really enjoying life. 

An old-time friend had come to visit and some of her siblings, cousins and I went to The Thousand Islands on the New York/Canadian border. It was a fun day! We toured Boldt Castle, went on a ferry ride (that messed my hair), and I got to work on my tan. I may or may not have howled with laughter when a seagull pooped on my friend's head. As I recall, I got to have off from the evening milking (which was a rare occurrence!), so we went out to eat for supper in Watertown.  I might add, that the pleasure of the day was enhanced for me, due to the fact that my friend had a brother and there was some mutual attraction between us. 

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All that being said, enjoying life today is more about sleeping in on the weekend, watching "Sue Thomas FBI" movies, playing with Daisy (Ann's dog), helping Ann pick cherries, eating ice cream with coworkers, conspiring with a coworker to play pranks on the boss, listening with compassion to tales of woe, rejoicing in the good news of a friend, and sitting on the front porch with the breeze gently blowing (well, in KS you might call that a gale!). 

I'm not sure how to end this so I guess I'll just go on living my best life!

My Perspective on Mother's Day

Mother's Day has come and gone for another year. It doesn't always strike me the same way and this year was distinctly different in several respects. 

I was thinking of Mom on Mother's Day, although it is now 5 years since she went to heaven. I loved her dearly, but in the journey of emotional healing I've been on, I've had to face some of the ways that Mom missed me. However, that morning I was asking God to bring to mind specific times when I felt loved by her, which he did. From there it went to memories of times that other women have "mothered" me. A hug, a smile, letting me talk, crying with me, praying for me, believing in me, including me in their families, etc. I felt the love seeping in to the very core of my being. The vast richness of God's provision for me. No, my Mom didn't give me everything I needed, for no one person can do that, but God in his infinite love had others along the way to fill in the gaps. 

And then the other side of the coin that has also felt painful at times of never having children of my own. That morning in church there was an acknowledgement that Mother's Day can be hard depending on your situation. I felt that sadness rise up and had to grieve that loss, but then I had this picture of being handed all these babies and I was reminded of all the children I had the privilege of "mothering", whether for a moment, a day or months. The best and most significant one was being a nanny for triplets for one school year. How special to "mother" those 3 little boys at the most tender, vulnerable time of their life! Then there were nieces and nephews, children of co-workers, children on the mission field, my friends children and many more. And these verses came to mind in Isaiah 49: 

"Then you will say in your heart: Who has borne me these? I was bereaved and barren, exiled and put away, but who has brought up these? Behold I was left alone; from where have these come? Thus says the Lord God...they shall bring your sons in their arms and your daughters shall be carried on their shoulders...then you will know that I am the Lord; those who wait for me shall not be disappointed."

So whatever your Mother's Day was like I pray that God met you there as he did me. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to those of you that have "mothered" me and those that have let me be part of "mothering" your children.

Strong As Death

"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death. Jealousy is fierce as the grave. It's flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord." 

Song of Solomon 8:6 ESV

The study note says: Love, like death, is relentlessly persistent, always accomplishing its goal. 

Seal: assigned ownership of an object; a device or substance that is used to join two things together so as to prevent them from coming apart or to prevent anything from passing between them. 

Jealousy: resolute devotion

To think this is how God loves me, brings me to tears. It's hard to describe this kind of love in words. It's something I have to experience. 

Although, I say I want to be loved, there are times I find myself pushing love away and running the other direction. It might be because of fear or shame. It might be because I feel I'm not worthy of love, something I did that would make Him quit loving me. But that "thing" is actually the very reason He died for me. He doesn't love me less, He loves me more. There is absolutely no way to earn His love. It is simply mine for the taking. 

"My Beloved speaks and says to me, Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away." 

Song of Solomon 2:10

A Message of Hope

Easter! It's such a familiar story that I've heard all my life. The story of Jesus dying and then coming to life again. But what does it mean for me personally? How can I know and experience it now?

I woke up this morning asking the question, What do I need today? Immediately I thought, I want someone to be with. This has been a recurring theme for me. Much of my life I have felt very alone. Some of it has been of my own making. Because of the pain and fear of being hurt I have built high walls to protect myself and even abandoned myself in the process. In my journey,the last several years to find healing and wholeness, I have discovered there is lots of love all around. My job is to open my heart to receive it. 

The other day as I was sitting with Jesus, feeling some sadness and pain from the past, he said to me, "I came because I love you and want to be with you! You were sad cause you thought you were losing love. Dry you eyes, my Child, love will never leave you.You will see a resurrection, for that same power that raised me from the dead, is at work in you." What I thought was dead, He is bringing to life. 

My past, my pain, my failures, my regrets can't keep me from His love. 2 Corinthians 5:21 "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." The definition of righteous is: free from guilt or sin; in right standing with God. 

Love is free. I don't have to earn it. That is why Jesus came. All I have to do is open my heart and receive it. 

So for today, Jesus is with me. It may be the kind eyes looking into mine, the gentle hand on my shoulder, the hug from a friend, the irises blooming outside my window, the song Living Hope or Easter dinner shared with a sister. It may simply be sitting with Jesus. He is here. I am not alone. 

Is the Volume Turned On?

Last Saturday I girded the loins of my mind and decided to go shopping in the big city of Wichita. At least to this small-town, country gal it seems big. I'm not much of a shopper to start with and when you combine it with city driving, well, you might say, it takes a lot of courage. However, my adventurous spirit kicked in and I decided to tackle it head-on. Actually, the biggest attraction was the thought of meeting a long-time friend for lunch. 

My first stop that morning was at Christopher & Banks. This place was not hard to find. I could've even done it without the GPS but I put it on, just in case. As I was in the fitting room, I heard this voice coming from the depths of my purse, instructing me where to make the next turn. I was embarrassed and slightly disgusted and turned the volume off. That should fix it, I thought. I finished fitting on clothes, paid for my purchases and headed out the door. 

Now where am I going? I pulled my phone out and put the address in the GPS. I slowly started driving, waiting for it to start "talking". It didn't! I was peeved. Sometimes it talks and sometimes it doesn't, so I kept going, fervently hoping it would decide to use it's voice. It's hard to drive (in traffic, no less!) while trying to look at the GPS to see where I am going. I thought I knew which street to turn on but I wasn't sure which direction so I missed the turn and pulled off. Now I was getting mad! Why isn't this stupid thing "talking"?? I looked it over to see if I could figure out any clues. Hmmm....I suddenly remembered what had happened in the dressing room. It might help to turn the volume up. Amazingly, after that it worked!

This got me thinking...

There are times I wonder why God isn't talking to me. I'm asking for directions cause I REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO GO! But I don't hear anything and I'm too impatient to sit and wait till I do, so I forge ahead and then miss my turn. Then I waste time back-tracking and feel frustrated. Why? Why do I do this? Wouldn't it have been better to sit and listen until I knew which direction to go? And maybe it would also help if I turn the volume on. Some of the things that put it in the "off" position may be doubt, unbelief, busyness, worry or fear. These definitely keep me from hearing. How about you?

"...in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength..." Isaiah 30:15

Take Courage...

...He's in the waiting...

This song, Take Courage, popped up on a playlist this morning and I was reminded how much I like it. The phrase that especially stood out to me was, He's in the waiting... 

I'm sure we all have things we're waiting for and sometimes the waiting can feel like wasted time. Recently, the Lord said to me, "There is joy in the waiting." So I've been looking for the joy. Here are a few things from this week. 

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One morning I went to work feeling rather sad and lonely. Before long a coworker arrived with his 3-year-old daughter in tow and a box of donuts. It brought a smile to my face. The daughter is a delight to chat with and donuts are my favorite. A bit later I found the little girl quietly sitting in the kitchen eating her donut. I sat down across from her and struck up a conversation. We talked of important things, such as, her new house, her new baby brother and our favorite colors. I found out that it isn't okay to have the same favorite color. Since hers is purple, she graciously offered that I could have pink. I wasn't so sure... None the less, it got my day off to a good start!

Yesterday I was getting ready to go to the bank at 3:30 and my manager said that I could go on home if I wanted to. I thought about that for a bit and decided I didn't want to, so instead I stopped at Dillons, and, on a whim, got a box of mini Cookies 'N Cream Cupcakes and took them back to the office. They were met with surprise and delight and enjoyed by all. 

In the evening I pulled out my old Andy Griffith movies and watched "A Wife for Andy". His friend, Barney, had quite some interesting ways of helping him (although he didn't want any help) and I got some good chuckles in. After that I rough-housed with the neighbors dog and laughed some more!

What brings you joy? Grab it and run! Don't let it pass you by!

He's in the waiting and in the waiting is joy. 

She Laughs...

 ... without fear of the future. Prov. 31:25b NLT

I know we are well into the new year, but there are some profound things God showed me at the beginning of this year that I want to share. Hopefully, it will encourage you as much as it did me. 

There were two verses that were highlighted to me: 

    "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." Prov. 31:25

    "And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord." Luke 1:45

There are several things that stood out to me. 

1. It is important to hear from the Lord (know what He is saying)

2. It is important to believe what He tells me.

3. The way to be free of fear of the future is by believing what He said.

The next morning I felt the Lord saying, "Be still and know that I am God." I looked up that verse and then got to reading the whole chapter of Psalms 46. It says that God is our refuge and strength, therefore, we will not fear though the earth gives way...the Lord of hosts is with us... he makes wars cease to the end of the earth... 

Will I believe what He says?? Not what everyone else says about the terrible world situation, but what He says??

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And now, to bring it down to a more practical, everyday level...

Provision has felt really big to me recently. The fear of not being provided for, whether it is finances, food, friends, emotional needs, etc. 

I get milk from a local dairy and it has been hard to communicate because they don't have a cell phone. I have tried my best to let them know when I am coming so they can have my gallon of milk in the fridge, but in spite of my best efforts there were several times when it got missed. So the last time when I drove up the guy was waiting for me by the milk house door. (Often no one is around when I come, so I thought, this doesn't look good.) And then he said the dreaded words, "I don't have any milk for you today." Apparently, the milk truck had shown up on an "off" day and taken all the milk. He said he would try and have it for me the next day. I can't say I wasn't disappointed and even cried a few tears. The next day I couldn't help feeling anxious still - would there actually be milk for me today?? As I drove towards the farm I thanked God for his provision. When I walked in the milk house and opened the fridge door, this is what I saw:

I cried...again. This time they were tears of joy. I felt seen and cared for. God saw my little gallon of milk. He made sure that it was there for me, and, more than that, he gave it to me free.

She laughs... with the carefree abandon of a child who knows she is deeply loved and will ALWAYS be taken care of!